Six months of being a mom. I survived!

Six months ago I was screaming at the top of my lungs in a hospital bed, having been in labor for over 24 hours. At around midnight they finally decided to do an emergency C section. And at 2:45 am on the 22nd RJ was born! Wow. I kind of am amazed at myself for making it this far and only have had about five total mental breakdowns. And hey, my marriage is getting stronger every day. 

I feel like I need to clarify something... I don't think I have this "awful terribly hard baby". He's actually a very good baby. He's smart, picks up on things very well, smiles all the time, only cries when he's hungry or tired and he sleeps like a champ MOST of the time. 

Outside of his CONSTANT puke fest, he's a dream baby. I think I'm reluctant to have another baby because I don't want a baby who cries a lot or one who never EVER sleeps. RJ slept through the night at five weeks old. Yes, he's being a monster right now about sleeping but, he's been a good baby overall. Let's be honest though, considering the struggle it was to get pregnant with RJ, I will be grateful to even have another baby. So don't get me wrong.

Anyways, I guess I just need to let anyone who reads this know that most of the reason why I write the posts complaining or whatnot - it's not because I think I have a terrible baby who is unreasonable, it's because becoming a mom has been a complete SHOCK for me. 

I have really struggled at feeling like I was meant for this. (I am not asking for sympathy or attention by saying that.) It doesn't come very natural for me to enjoy stages or phases.. I do feel a very strong bond with RJ but I also feel like that has grown as we have struggled together. It wasn't at first sight like I see other moms express. 

I used to feel bad that I hated my life every day as a new mom. Top it off with post partum depression...  I saw other moms expressing their love for their babies and making it look so easy to sacrifice so much for their little ones. It's hard for me to sacrifice, I'm a selfish person but I am also just not used to babies. I never really babysat growing up, I'm the youngest and my nieces and nephews lived in California and Wisconsin at this young age. I also never had my own pet or animal growing up either. I've always just sort of taken care of myself. This has been a giant change. It is for anyone though. 

Becoming a mom has been freaking hard. I look back at the first two months of RJs life and sort of just feel this heavy load. I remember feeling like it would never go away. Like there was never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. If I didn't enjoy the newborn phase then it was just never going to get better. I really felt that. 

Society has made us think things should be like they are in the movies or even on social media. That's complete and utter BS. Life, marriage, motherhood, all of that IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I don't believe in being a victim. I'll be honest, it's taken me six months of motherhood to even grasp some of that though.

I feel like I have a good handle on that in the other aspects of my life but motherhood threw me for a loop. 

I had a very inspired friend tell me the other day that she feels like the sacrifice of motherhood is probably one of the closest things to what the Savior did for us with his sacrifice. I believe her. And somehow hearing that from her made me feel this overwhelming sense of peace. I felt like there was purpose in me becoming a mom. And that it wasn't just to learn to love deeper or to bring another person into this world. 

It reminded me that there is a bigger world out there. A life after this one, a bigger purpose. More than just the little daily things that sometimes make me impatient and drive me nuts. I think the inner pain and struggle of motherhood is here to help us learn to rely on the Lord. To understand how he felt and know that we are not alone. To look to him in our darkest times and stay as close to him as we can. Yet, on those dark days I've had, that's the last thing I want to do. And he is still there waiting for me. And ready to help me. 

I guess what I mean here is that I know I'm not alone. I know I was given a baby that pukes non-stop so I can help someone else down the road when they experience similar situations. 

We don't go through trials to feel superior to others and have less empathy for them because our trial was harder. We go through trials to help others. I promise that someone in your life will need you, I have always felt this way. And being a mom has heightened that feeling!!! Maybe that's why I blog. Even if only five people ever read this, I hope it helps one person feel a little less alone. Even if you're not a mom.

It makes it a little bit easier to go through a trial knowing it will benefit someone else one day if I am in a space to learn everything I can and do my best. So, I will keep going and do the best I can. Every day I feel a little better about being a mom. 

A little bit at a time I feel like I have more knowledge and experience than the day before. I've learned to live one day at a time since I had RJ. And crap, I needed that more than anything. EVER. 

I look forward to the plethora of things I will learn in the next six months. 

Thanks for reading this! I know it's word vomit and a little random and all over the place. I just ALWAYS want to be REAL. Never fake or fluffy. So, sometimes that makes my posts random instead of well thought out and composed. 

Hash tag mom life

I'm sitting here in the parking lot of Good Earth doing something I'm sure many of you moms have done. You're lying if you haven't.

RJ has been in a super rad mood the last week or two and has been fighting sleep. Most of you know this because I posted it on FB and insta the other day when I lost my $h!t. Anyways, RJ cried all the way from Provo (thanks for the leggings Britta) to the Spanish Fork Good Earth and just before I pulled in he fell asleep. Of course!!! And there's no way in hell I'm moving his car seat and risking him waking up, he NEEDS sleep. So, I'm sitting here in my car in the parking lot, looking like a creeper to others, I'm sure.  

At this point I'll sit here as long as I need to. The other day I sat in my driveway for an hour for this same thing. I don't want this to become a habit for him to fall asleep in his car seat. But, sometimes as a parent you just have to survive a time or two. 

In mid October we decided it was time to train him to fall asleep on his own, without being held or rocked. It took several different methods for us. I read multiple books, blogs and sought advice from several friends. Finally, it boiled down to laying him on our ottoman swaddled up and he eventually put himself to sleep while we just went along with our day. It was bizzare. The cry it out method just wasn't what we ended up needing to do at that point. He trained himself like a champ without us even knowing that was all we needed to do was walk away and let him lie. 

I feel like every mom that I've talked to just says be consistent with whatever you do and he'll figure it out. We have honestly done that. Up until this past week he has taken naps super consistently and been on a time schedule  like a champ. But, somehow things have changed for him. And I just need to be OK with that. If I'm a mental case it won't get us anywhere. 

I feel like so many people say "you will look back on this and miss it." I'm sorry but seriously? That's just ridiculous. Tell me this, have any of you moms with older kids actually missed the CRAPPY times? No. No one misses the crap. Of COURSE I will miss the tiny cuddles and smiles and him learning and discovering so much. But, anyone who misses the crappy days is a lunatic. Even if you have a sassy teenager who talks back, that may make you miss when they couldn't talk. But, you still probably don't miss this part. Am I right? Maybe not. 

I honestly love RJ so much, I have loved watching him grow. He's been a delight aside from some minor sleeping issues right now and his constant puke. I think I'm just intolerant of EVERYTHING because I am sooooooo tired of always catching his puke, and doing a full load of laundry everyday. Between cleaning his three to four outfits, my two or three outfits, burp rags, washcloths, blankets, rugs, bibs and cleaning the car seat - oh, and his bottles... I sort of just want to lay down and have someone rub my feet and give me a high five for making it through one more day. 

Now, I know most of you have more than one baby... So you probably laugh at my issues and say "just wait until you have more than one" etc... But, this is my struggle and trial. It's hard for me. May not be for you. But for me this is my breaking point sometimes. So maybe I'm weak to you. But, I know I am strong and an awesome mom. And I really am doing my best. I just feel like some days this will never end. 

Thank heavens it will. I'm glad parenting comes in phases. Even the hardest of times will never last forever. And I'm grateful for this blog so I can just word vomit all of this and maybe help another mom feel like she's doing the right thing, too. 

I'm grateful the Lord sent RJ to us. At the end of each day I feel good knowing I've given RJ my best. That's all I can do. Oh, and pray A LOT. Seriously. All day.

I'm loving this week.

I need to freeze time. RJ is being such a sweet boy this past week. Yes, he has cried and puked just as much as he normally does. But, he has changed. He's growing and learning so much. He has been so snuggly and lovey. He knows I'm his mom and Chance is his dad. 

He reaches for us now. He wakes up so happy and squeaky. The noises he makes bring me so much joy. I know I can't freeze time so I have been enjoying every single second because who knows, the next post could be about what a terror he has been.

So, for now I just love him. He has opened my heart in ways I didn't know were possible. I've always hated cuddles and touchy feely moments. But, this sweet boy has changed me and reminded me how important it is to show the people we love some affection. 

So I will try better to be that way with those that I love. Mostly because when RJ does that to me I feel so special, and everyone deserves to feel that way. Even if we can all be idiots sometimes. 

Change

I have decided the only thing that is promised when you have a kid is CHANGE. Some days that is what I cling to, knowing this phase will end. Or, that he will grow out of this. And other days I am scared to death of what change is ahead. Nothing will ever be the exact same forever with RJ. He will constantly be changing. 

That's such a wonderful thing, really. But, also terrifying. Before I know it he will be walking and getting into every cupboard, throwing toys at me and learning new words to sass me with. And when I get used to that phase and feel like I have a handle on it, he will change again. 

That's the thing, just when I get a handle on his tactics and schedules it seems like he changes. He grows and learns more. I think it's amazing that I get to watch him learn SO freaking much before my eyes. 

I guess what's really important here is that I learn to accept change. It's important for us all to have change in our lives so we never get comfortable in just one thing. Otherwise, we never grow and learn. We never expand our experiences and find out what the world has out there. 

It's been a serious change for me to be a mom, but had I not moved to Canada and been forced out of my comfort zone like NO other... this would have been SO much harder. So, change really has helped me be a better mom to RJ. So I say we all try to embrace change. Look forward to it. Even if it makes us uncomfortable. Because sometimes being uncomfortable means we are learning. And there's only good that comes from that. 

Advice

I feel like Facebook and Instagram has just become a plethora of unsolicited advice. I don't even want to post on there anymore or read what other people post.

Yes, I'm sick. Yes, I'm grumpy. So that mixture brings out this super pessimistic post. Don't act like you haven't felt this exact same way at one point in time. 

Forgive me but... Unless someone asks a question - why would you give them an answer? 

I know 75% of people just mean well and want to offer advice or things that help them. But, unless someone is ASKING for that, just be supportive or be quiet. Maybe not everyone feels this way. 

I know I've been the one to offer unsolicited advice, so many times. I catch myself doing it so much. I have to just think to myself before I text back or post, did they ask for my help? If not, then just be on their side and supportive. Be a good friend. Or, make them laugh! 

Otherwise, you just sound like an opinionated A-hole. As much as I REALLY try, I get that I come off that way sometimes too. 

Again, we mostly all mean well but, why do we offer so much unsolicited advice!?!?!? Why do so many of us just want to "fix" things instead of just offering support or letting them know they're not alone. 

I can promise you most of the time we all just want to feel like someone else has gone through it or understands even a small portion of what we are going through. 

Stop the word vomit advice!!! 

I pinky swear I will try SO freaking hard to never do that again. And I give you permission to call me out if I do! I need to work on this! And I need to learn to be more patient with people who do this, the struggle is REAL. Ha. It makes me crazy! Yet, I catch myself doing it. 

We are human beings, aren't we? Sheesh. 

But, as mothers I think if we could just have each others back and just be a shoulder to cry on, it would be a little bit better. Maybe? Instead of trying to tell other moms how to do things or force your way on someone else. 

Word.

Heads up that this is going to be a very random word vomit post that is all over the place. 

Ready.... Go!

I posted a picture on my Facebook of an ecard that says "I wish I could sleep like a husband!" And boy is that true. 

It's so funny how moms are constantly thinking about their kids, and what they need. Even when we go out on a date without the baby I am STILL thinking about him. I sort of never really get a break. Must be the mothers intuition. My husband worries less and is a lot more laid back than I am. Most men and women are that way, from my experience. I kind of feel like I got screwed. Ha.

Everyone keeps telling me "enjoy every moment" "this is such a precious time" or "this will go by so fast". 

I'm sorry, I want to slap you when you say that to me my dear friends. I know you mean well, but really. No one wants to hear that. When you're getting vomited on all day long, going through at least three outfits each a day (me and the babe) and are on your last resort for finding the right food to feed my baby because NOTHING else works, I really don't want to hear about how I should be "enjoying every moment". 

Suck it.

I WILL, however, enjoy the good moments. Every single day there are some incredible moments that I hang onto. That's how I survive. That's how RJ survives, ha ha. 

I really don't like how there is a "social pressure/expectation" or whatever... That we all have to tell each other those things. How about we GET REAL. Let's stop writing FB statuses and blogs about how easy it is to be a perfect mom.

Screw that. 

Reading those posts and blogs used to make me feel like I was a failure because my baby didn't do what their baby did. Most first time moms don't know any better than to read blogs and Pinterest pins from other moms and to trust them. Someone is probably doing that with me right now.

Here's the deal though, NO BABY IS THE SAME. So, you just sort of have to be fearless and not care what anyone thinks. You have to not be afraid to try several things until it works for your baby. Even if it's untraditional. Hell, I feed my baby goats milk and the looks I get from moms when they hear that are CLASSIC. 

You just sort of have to OWN how you decide to be a mom. Because you are the only mom for your child, you know your baby. You know your intuition. Don't let anyone take that away from you. 

And there's my two cents. 

Not so funny post...

This past weekend we left RJ with my mom and Gary overnight. This was the first time I have left him overnight. Honestly, I thought it would be hard and that I would miss him so much.

Here's the truth, my marriage is so important. Chance and I have been apart so much from his work travels and stuff that we have needed time together outside of being parents. So, in those moments when I would catch myself thinking about RJ, I would remind myself that not only do Chance and I need this break, but it's so good for RJ to get used to being away from me! 

We both need to be okay apart sometimes. He needs to learn to be okay with other people so he's not always attached to me. So, that motivated me not to miss him as much as I probably could have. Especially because we were at the sand dunes with no cell phone reception unless we drove to the top of the mountain. So, I was forced not to check up! (It also helps that I trust my mom.)

Anyways, now that I am home I have such a sense of urgency to continue to put my marriage first. While my sweet boy is everything to me, I also need to remember that the VERY best thing I can give RJ is a happy home with loving parents. If I divulge into being the best mom and giving 100% of myself to him all day, all Chance gets are my leftovers. And forget about taking care of myself. 

Luckily, Chance is very low maintenance. But, my main point here is that even if it's a date night once a week or month that's even an hour long... It's so important that Chance and I take the time to still date and remember what it's like without the little dude around. 

We may be going to Canada for four days for some Christmas festivities here in a month and leaving RJ with my sister in law. It will be hard to leave him for that long but, we will need a recharge again by then. 

I guess my reason for being so personal about my marriage and finding a balance is that when the days all seem the same and you have postpartum depression - you sort of need something to look forward to. That is so important for me. 

So, I know many of you have dealt with this and I hope you can accept my challenge to put your spouse first. I really believe when we do this that we are able to forgive one another better and bring about a spirit of love in our homes that our kids can learn from. 

I also told myself when I was pregnant that "I don't want the baby to become our life, I want him to join our life." I honestly believe that is possible. 

It's still important to be Leslee, to be Chances wife and just as important to be RJs mama. It's a daily task to find that balance as you know... But if I am putting my efforts anywhere, that's where I want it to be. Giving just enough of myself to those things so I can feel accomplished, and still know who I am. 

Now, here in a few weeks I'll need to read this post. Probably a few times... Just because I feel this way doesn't mean I'm good at applying it. So, here goes!

Grow up, Leslee!

The other day when we were walking through Walmart, RJ had a TOTAL blowout. I felt bad for anyone who walked past me and had to smell it, really. 

And then I think about my friends on SnapChat who I send funny pictures of RJs poop-pushing face. It's too good to keep to myself... 

Then I thought about how I laugh uncontrollably when he farts. He does it in his sleep and I can't even handle it! 

I really am immature. A month ago at the women's general conference meeting RJ farted a ton, I almost had to leave the room because I laughed so hard.

Bottom line, God must have a sense of humor to send us down here with bodily functions like that. So, if that's what makes me laugh and smile on crappy days, pun intended, then so be it!

However, I need to get a hold on that before he's older so he learns some manners. Don't worry, I KNOW. 

Some things I wish I had known about pregnancy, childbirth and the first few weeks at home!

1. Breastfeeding ISNT for everyone. Don't let society put pressure on you, or you put the pressure on yourself to do it. I would say give it an HONEST effort but, if it doesn't work out then don't feel bad. I hated every second of it. It intensified my postpartum depression and made me want to disappear for a VERY long time. So, just don't think your baby is going to die or have all of these issues because you didn't breastfeed. Screw that. Adopted babies do just fine, and so do tons of other children. So, save your brains and boobs the stress and just do what you can! 

2. If you think you're sleep deprived as a pregnant woman, you're in for it! Enjoy those pregnant naps. Oh, how I miss waking up with drool all over my pillow from passing out. Or when Chance would be driving us to work and I would fall asleep in the car with my mouth open, sitting up! Those were good naps. Now, any sleep I do is half-way because I'm partially asleep and partially listening for every.single.breath from the baby. No more deep sleep for me. 

3. I HATED a when people would tell me this but it's so true, enjoy every moment you and your man have together before the baby comes. Life is about to become a whole new world of bittersweet goodness that smacks you in the face.

4. Epidurals are my best friend. All of my friends who chose not to get one deserve the biggest high five, EVER. As for me, I'll take five million epidurals and all the morphine they will give me. No shame. 40+ hours of labor only to end in an emergency C-section sort of ruined me on that whole natural childbirth stuff.

5. Every pregnancy is different. Every woman's body reacts different to labor. What works for one, may not for another. Don't be afraid to explore all options! You are the only person who knows your body like you do! You don't have to accept all of the advice you get!

6. Pray. Say LOTS of prayers. This mom stuff isn't for sissies. You can't do this alone, the Lord is there even at 3 a.m. when the baby is awake and crying and you feel alone and helpless. You and that baby need a spiritual foundation to get through what's ahead.

7. Dont be embarrassed or ashamed to get help for postpartum depression. It is real, and so common! If you have PPD and you are reading this, I love you. You're an amazing mother and are doing everything you can for your sweet child. DO NOT GIVE UP. You matter. 

8. Just do what you've got to do to survive those first six weeks home with the baby. No one will care if your house is a mess or if you haven't showered. And frankly anyone who does needs to be given the finger and a peace out. You don't need friends like that anyway! 

9. Let people help you! Accept all of the help you can get. House cleaning, laundry, meals, whatever it may be! There is no shame in accepting help. Especially from fellow moms who understand how it is!

10. I saved the best for last. Firrrrrrrrst of all, why doesn't anyone tell you about the first crap you take AFTER you have the baby!?!? It was the scariest moment of my LIFE. Especially because I had a C-section and you're not supposed to use your stomach muscles. I'm sorry but, no amount of stool softeners can make prepare you for that moment. YIKES!!!!! 

What I need

I'm sitting here in the bath while RJ takes a nap. I'm wishing I could write Mother Nature a nice little letter to CALM DOWN the wind that's making random objects smack into my house and wake up my baby. Damnit.

I need a pedicure so bad. I haven't shaved my legs since we moved back to Utah, over a month... Yikes. I haven't washed my hair since Monday but hey, I take baths daily so don't worry, no need to stay too far away. I don't smell THAT bad. 

Since when did I forget to take care of myself? I'm delusional today and crying like a freak of nature. Chalk it up to hormones, whatever. But, I've given so much of myself to RJ that I have forgotten myself. 

Chance told me to get away from the baby before I lose my $h*t. It may be too late for losing my mind, but... He said that when you're on an airplane they ALWAYS tell you to put the oxygen on YOURSELF a first, then take care of the child's oxygen. You can't be a wounded healer... Right? I need to take care of myself and do things for myself.

How do you do that at this stage in the baby's life!? They need SO much of your attention right now. He can't do anything for himself. Except puke. He even needs help taking a crap,as of late. 

I've tried to just do things for myself while he naps, like nap myself or do my hair and makeup and get dressed EVERY DAY. I don't let myself stay in sweats, it just doesn't help me feel productive. And I get my lashes done and leave him with my mom, so that helps me get away. But, it's still not enough. I still feel like I need to make more time for ME. Then I can give RJ a better version of me, and more importantly I can be a better wife. 

Let's be honest, husbands really get the crap end of the deal here. Wife neglect, a baby they don't understand but they hopefully gain a new found respect for moms. 

So, I want to hear what you do to help you take care of yourself so you don't get lost in this mom stuff...? I realize this may be a simple thing like getting a drink from Swig, or grocery shopping without kids. Whatever it may be, what works for YOU?

Confessions

So I thought I would list some things I've done as a result of being a mom... 

I don't know about you but...

I've held RJ while I take care of business on the toilet JUST so he doesn't wake up. And let me tell you, pulling up my pants and tucking in my G's is a TASK with that little luggar in my arms.

I forgot to color my hair before family pictures, I know you noticed in the pictures that got posted. Don't lie. Being a mom has literally taken over my brain. I forget stuff that I REALLY should know better. Pre-baby, that would have been NUMERO UNO on the priority list.  #photoshoppleasesaveme

Sometimes when I swaddle RJ in his little velcro straight jacket I have a psycho-claustrophobic moment. I.can't.handle.it.

I want to go in his room and wake him up right now and cuddle him, hard. But, then I'll be in psycho sleep-deprived mom mode. Ain't nobody got time fo-dat.

I have become the master of multi-tasking and doing everything with one hand. Sometimes with my foot or knee! I feel like superwoman sometimes. 

Pinterest makes me feel like I'm on vacation. So, there. If I want to stay up until 2 a.m. pretending I will actually do one or two of the hundred things I pin, so be it!

It took me a few weeks to figure out the tuck the wee wee down concept... I've been peed on more times than I ever should admit. And I got crapped all over last week thanks to prune juice. 

RJ and I both smell like curdled goats milk puke all day, every day. No matter how many outfit changes, baths, wipey rub downs we do... It's like marinated into our skin. 

When RJ wakes up at 4 am with a wet diaper, having MIRACULOUSLY escaped his velcro OOBER swaddle swaddler - I want to be single and 23 again. It feels like it will be impossible to get him back to sleep again. But, EVERY time he falls right back asleep. You would think I would trust that he has yet to fail me on that. But, I'm irrational when I'm tired. So, there.

Tucker, our hyper dog... May end up "missing" one day. I always swore we would never be the dog people who have a baby and get rid of their dog. But, holy crap. He's a handful and so is the baby. No Bueno. If I can hang tight for a few months longer I will stop hoping he disappears. Hang tight Leslee... Haaaaaang tight. 

Writing this blog makes me feel like I am helping other moms, somehow. And that makes me feel like Leslee again. I need that. I enjoy that.

Peace.

Well, hello.

Today as I sit on my couch and think about how I probably shouldn't have just driven my car to Springville... I don't really remember the last few miles I drove... I'm so sleep deprived today... I am reminded that being a mom is FREAKING HARD. If anyone would have given me the slightest clue that it would be this hard, I sure as hell would not have done this. Well, maybe I would have. Either way, it's not for sissies.

Let me tell you a little about my life first, my husband and I have been married for 7 years this December.

PS: prepare for several typos and incorrect punctuation, forever and on every post.

Over the course of the years we've been married we never really felt the desire to have a baby until we were told it may not happen for us. This was when we had been married for 5 years. We then decided to stop birth control and "if it happens, then it happens". And off to Canada we went. Through that process we met some incredible people and BAM, here he is. He's a miracle, and we love him.

80% of the time, I am SO glad we had him. 20% of the time, I want to be drunk on a beach in Mexico with nothing to take care of or have responsibility of.

First off, let me tell you a few things I DO know:

1. I don't know MUCH about being a mom, and I'm not writing this blog thinking that I do
2. I've only been a mom for 4 months (enough to gain some sarcasm and appreciation)
3. I am not seeking advice, so unless I ask for it... PAHLEEZE don't even go there (yes I just said that.)
4. EVERYONE has an opinion about HOW to parent your child
5. Breastfeeding can kiss my @ss
6. I will NEVER judge any mother on how she decides to raise, feed, treat her child
7. Post-Partum depression is REAL and why is everyone afraid to talk about it?
8. I believe in God, I need him to survive every single day
9. We all need each other as moms, why are we so rude to each other?
10. I understand SEVERAL of my friends have either had infertility struggles, miscarriages, stillborns or lost a young child - please know that I am sensitive to that. I am SO grateful to even have had this child, I love him. I do not take for granted every.single.moment I have with him.

Like everything in life, we should see the positive, and if I want to make light/laughter of things that make me want to punch the wall - SO BE IT.

So, here goes!