I think I'm okay, thanks.

Well, I haven't really made this super public knowledge. But, I feel pretty strong tonight that I need to blog about it. I have had a lot of feelings the last two weeks and need to share them. Maybe so someone can reach out to me and help me feel a little more normal. Or perhaps, so someone can feel less alone in their struggle. 

I've been told by doctors since my First Lady exam that I will likely struggle having children. So, subconsciously I've never really allowed myself to become "baby hungry". Also, I never really did enjoy babysitting while I was growing up. I hated pets. Couldn't keep a plant alive, let alone a beta fish. So, honestly it took enough effort growing up just to take care of myself and worry about my mom. I was a major worry wort. Having a baby HEIGHTENED that. Holy hell, did it ever. Puke. Ah. 

Anyways, I guess I am saying that I never really have had a dream of a big family because I sort of knew it wouldn't happen. So, I've learned to enjoy my nieces and nephews, and my friends children. I soak in every moment I can. And I also try to become the "cool and fun" aunt. Duh. I had such a traumatic experience during childbirth with RJ that I honestly need therapy for PTSD. Sounds stupid but, I mean it. I have triggers that set off these insane anxiety attacks that no medication or meditation and oil can chill out. I've been working on it with my doctor and fellow naturalistic friends for 9 months now. One day at a time, I will get the hang of it. I need to do some sort of emotional release. Maybe I'll burn something that symbolizes the experience? I don't know. Maybe several things, over the next several years. All I know is, I will never stop trying. 

Seeing so many of my friends announce pregnancies and childbirth over the holidays was so awesome! I'm so happy for you all. It doesn't make me uncomfortable at all, we each have a plan from Heavenly Father - I do not doubt his plan for us. I know I have plenty of work to do on this earth that does not involve pregnancies and adopting a child. It has everything to do with raising RJ up in a home that's is based upon love, forgiveness, acceptance, HARD WORK, and self confidence. Also, I believe this world needs something I have to offer. That I couldn't give otherwise. I believe HF has a plan for Chance, RJ and me. Something special. And if we do our part, that will ring true. 

I said goodbye to my Uterus and Fallopian tubes two weeks ago. I feel healthier today than I have in a year. 

The people who I have come across that find out about it have been well, funny. Expecting me to be traumatized, and offer lots of sympathies. I would probably do the same to another random woman. But, you guys, spare me. I promise I'm okay. It's sad, I am sad. But just momentarily. I do not doubt Heavenly Fathers plan. Mourning too long would mean I doubt him. I have faith. We will be blessed in so many other ways. It could always be worse. Much worse. So, really, I am OKAY! I have lots of work to do, with my family. I won't let it stop me! 

Moving forward, my "story of me" won't be based upon no longer being able to have kids. I can't focus on that. It won't fix things, it won't change it. It just won't. 

Anyways, I guess having a somewhat major surgery this month has reminded me of what is important. And it's not about introducing yourself to people as someone with problems, victimize yourself. I think it's about helping THEM find their strength by your example. And listening to them and learning from their example! Which sometimes requires being brave and sharing your story. There's a balance there.

 And I'm blabbering away because I've been "taking it easy" for three weeks. Leslee doesn't do that very well. 🙋🏻

I guess I just want to type my word vomit so one day RJ or his wife can see this. And know that I loved my boy with all that I have. And man, does his daddy love him. I've never seen Chance love that way. It melts my heart. He is a true man. Just what I wanted growing up. 

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, some that would/could ruin everything I have worked so hard for. Maybe because I'm afraid to have the life I have always wanted. So I throw a trench in the way. Either way, I'm glad I have RJ and Chance on my side to grab my arm before I fly off the cliff. Oh, and the few friends I confide in during those times. I will never forget those of you who have never judged me, and been there. And know my truth, and trust me with yours. You know who you are and I love you, like woah.  

Me, me, me, me. This was all about me. But, maybe it will help you relate. And feel less alone or sad. Or whatever. Hey, maybe you'll just read this and think I'm a blab fest and need a nap. 

Yup, you're right. I do. Don't we all?

PS- I dare you not to smile. 

I love my kid! Who am I?

Wow, guys. It happened. I finally realized I've bonded with the little human that used to puke on me all day.

One year ago, I was trying to get settled into our new house in Utah. We had been back from Canada for just over a month. Reggie was almost 4 months old. I was EXHAUSTED with him puking up every single freaking ounce of milk he drank. EVERY TIME. I hated being a mom. HATED IT. I felt like my whole life I've been lied to about motherhood. Honestly, I felt like ya'll either fake it really well, or I was just a dark tortured soul. Because I hated every minute of my life. Only to find out five months later I had post-partum depression. (See a few posts back for more on that).

Crazy how things have changed over the last year. I actually love when RJ wakes up, I love hearing his cute little voice. I love LOVE LOVE how he boogies around when I jam to music while doing my hair straight. I love how he runs around the house flapping his arms up and down speaking his own language. I love how he gets into the bottom cupboard we left empty for him to play in. I love how he chills like a gangster in his little tikes car while he watches Sesame Street. I love how he farts SO loud that it makes us question who actually did it. I love that he pulls on my legs when he wants to go to bed and read a book. I love that he can entertain himself. I love that Chance does 50% of the work. He is so supportive and helpful as a father to RJ. I am blessed for that.

I NEVER thought I would have a list even half that long of things I liked about being a mom you guys. In fact, some days I still get into a funk and hate it. But, it's not really motherhood I have the issue with. It is adulthood. I was babysitting my friend Stacy's #thatredheadfriend kids the other night, and her son wanted to play Star Wars. I was tired and just wanted to play easy games where I didn't have to chase the kid around the whole house for two hours. Well, that is exactly what we ended up doing and I actually remembered that I had an imagination. I used to be that kid who wanted to play imaginary games and escape to a different world and conquer things. Being an adult has kind of taken that away from me. I guess I've just allowed it to happen.

I figure that when you get married, have kids and a full time job - that means you have to be serious and have your shit together. But, I really just don't think that is how it should be. NOT one piece of that sound like the life LESLEE wanted to live when I pictured my life as a little girl. So, that night as I played Star Wars with Boston for two hours straight, I learned to love him so much more than ever and I'm grateful he helped me come out of my "adult" zone and just have freaking fun. What is there to lose? Yes, I can be serious and professional at work. But, why not just LET GO and relax and enjoy my life when the time is right? What is so bad about that? I'm so uptight. And get to wound up in worrying about every stupid thing falling into place and everyone being happy. I just need to relax.

If RJ has taught me one thing, it is that I don't have very much control in my life. I can't really choose how things go down. Circumstances change, people move on, life keeps going with or without you. Then only thing I really can control is my attitude about it all. So, I promise you all -  I will dedicate my thoughts to being more relaxed. Not worrying so much about things, and just letting life happen and creating FREAKING fun, awesome memories with my little family. Because RJ will be the only child I will have with this body of mine. We hope to adopt someday, but for now - we want to just have fun and be REAL. It is so liberating to be honest, real and just who you are around everyone.

Anyways, being a mom is hard. It's damn hard. But, I love RJ so much. I love Chance so much. I fail every single day, sometimes I fall pretty hard on my face and all but ruin my life. But, they are both still there to catch me. And I guess, that is just awesome. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. Or however that is said.

Lets just all chill out, not take things too serious and focus on what matters in that VERY moment. Not try to worry so much about tomorrow. Can you help me do that, please?

The first year of motherhood. How it really went down!

I'll be honest, I didn't think I would survive one year of being a mom. Here are some honest blurbs about the first 12 months of his life. I am so grateful for my husband. I would not have made it this far without his help. I'm lucky to have a spouse who does so much for RJ and me. The list starts off so sad and negative, but it is so refreshing to look back and see how much growth has come from the trials of motherhood. It ain't pretty, but man is it SO WORTH it. I have grown into a person I never thought I could be. I've learned to love and appreciate my husband more than I ever did before. And, as hard as it is to put my trust in the Lord, I am always glad I did.

Reggie's life
Month ONE - I remember thinking to myself "what did I just sign up for?!" Anxiety MANIA.
Month TWO - I was overwhelmed with anxiety, wanted to chop my boobs off and stop this baby from puking every ounce of his food all over.
Month THREE - I cried every single day. I wanted to figure out why he was puking so much, and I wanted SO BAD to move back to Utah.
Month FOUR - We finally moved back to Utah. I finally came to terms with not breastfeeding anymore. I stopped caring that other people made me feel bad about that. My life had a light at the end of the tunnel.
Month FIVE - My baby was still a PUKE machine. 3% weight, not growing at all. I was so worried for the kid. I still had no idea what I was doing. And I hadn't really "bonded" with RJ yet. I was beginning to wonder when that would happen.
Month SIX - I came to terms with the puke machine. I learned to wrap myself in blankets if I had a cute outfit on, I packed several outfits for myself and RJ everywhere we went. I was not going to let it stop me! RJ was gaining a little bit more weight, in the 14% this time!
Month SEVEN -  BEST month ever. I bonded with RJ. He slept through the night, 10 hours. He laughed. He looked at us like he knew who we were. He STOPPED PUKING!!!!!!! And was in the 25% for weight.
Month EIGHT - My sweet boy became my buddy. I finally got help for post-partum depression. Chance and I looked forward to making fun memories with him, and he kept growing and never puked.
Month NINE - Still no teeth. Ear infection mania. Croup. And lots of days missing work because he was sick. Quite frustrating compared to month seven. Starting to figure out that these kid-thingys don't really stick to anything for too long. Which can be a good and bad thing.
Month TEN - EAR TUBES! Best invention ever. More croup, though. But, who cares! The kid was ear infection free, and has been since. Also, weighing in at the 45%! BOO-YAH. Crawling, and pulling himself up all the time.
Month ELEVEN - Still no teeth. WTH? More fevers, and colds. Poor kid got sick a lot this spring. But, he was still happy as ever and all over the place. I felt like I was finally getting the hang of this "mom" stuff. I had bonded with RJ, and Chance. I felt like for the first time in my life I actually became the person I always knew I was. I have conquered so many fears, learned so many TOUGH lessons, and started to appreciate the little things in my life that I took for granted so many times over.
Month TWELVE - TEETH. Man, I love this kid. He is so much fun. He is into everything, makes a mess, laughs a LOT, and makes us feel so special. I can't wait to watch him grow up into a little man. He is a constant reminder of chance, and the importance of showing love and affection. I love my sweet, sweet boy!!! Being a mom, it's so much better than it was before. It is still SO hard, but I fell so much stronger with the support I have and the faith I have gained. I will be okay. I can do this.

<3

I write this for all of you new moms. If you have felt any of these feelings, DON'T feel bad. It is normal. It is OKAY. You will make it. You can do this. IF I ever have any other babies, I will need to read this to remind me to SURVIVE the first few months. And not judge motherhood by those times.

I have some awesome friends who are moms, and they make me feel so much better about life when I vent to them. It saves me so many days. I can text them in my crazy moments of anger or frustration and they tell me they went through it, too. I LOVE that part of being a mom. I love that I have a group of incredible women surrounding me and supporting me. I hope I can do the same for them.

Word to ya mother.

It's been a while. On purpose, I swear.

So, I've written this post about three times and never published it. This is my fourth attempt. I may never even publish this one. Who knows! I guess if you're reading this, then I did. Ha.

I really have so much I could say about this topic. And I am more than happy to talk with ANY of you about it in a more private setting. Because I understand the feeling of wanting to be private about this. However, I have felt for a very long time now that I can maybe help someone else if I am open about my situation and feelings. So, I make this not-so-very-private blog post about something very personal to me.

When I was pregnant I was warned about postpartum depression. The day I had the baby, they had a social worker stop by the hospital room and give me several pamphlets about PPD because I had a VERY small history of depression (I'll explain in a bit). Then, the NAZI breastfeeding nurses that came to my house a few times the first week at home even shoved some PPD info down my throat.

Really, I just sat and laughed at them. Thinking.... really guys? Wow, is this that serious that you have to be so heavy about it? Holy crap. Give me a break. I will be just fine. I just had a baby, everyone I see talks about how much they LOVE their new baby more than they could ever imagine and how it's worth it. So, lay off of me ladies! I'll be JUST FINE...

First let me tell you that my dad had a mental illness that he was on medication for. He had several surgeries and was taking medications for the pain as well. This ultimately resulted in his suicide before the age of 30. Then when I was 17, my very close friend committed suicide. This brought me into a weird funk where I slept all day and was pretty sad about my life. Looking back now, I wasn't even really depressed. I was just a typical teenager who was lost and had made a few choices that weren't very smart that led to unhappiness. My family doctor put me on several different anti-depressants trying to help me actually wake up every day. All of them made me feel like a robot. I hated them. I eventually made some lifestyle changes, went to some college and felt like I was of some worth to the world. MANY of the people who are reading this were very crucial friends whom I met along that way and led me back to sanity. I'm so grateful.

About a week after I had RJ is when things started to get crazy. I blamed most of it on "baby hormones" and the fact that I had a baby who literally puked every single ounce of milk all over me all-freaking-day. All I wanted to do was fix it, make it stop. I couldn't. I was realizing that motherhood meant I have no control really on the outcome of MANY things in my life now. OY OY OY OY OY.

I had the worst anxiety I thought I could ever possibly feel. Every night. I had RJ sleep in his bassinet beside my bed and I would literally hold my hand on his chest all night to feel him breathing. I drove my husband insane, I'm sure. Even typing about this makes me get a rash on my chest from the anxiousness it brings.

Then one night, when RJ was about one month old - I went in and gave him to Chance. I went in the other room with the lights off and cried harder than I probably ever have. I said to myself "what the hell did I just get myself into?" I didn't want to be a mom anymore. It was just too much. Too much responsibility, too many emotions and WAY too much love that I just didn't even know what to do with. How was I going to do this? I was so confused and felt like an absolute disaster. I've never felt so out of control in my life.

I then told myself that "as soon as we moved back to the states and home to Utah, where my family is... that everything would feel better." I even had a few friends send me inspired messages without even knowing what I was really going through. Those small moments kept me hanging on.

Sadly, after we moved back it just seemed to keep getting worse. I would try and do things that used to make me feel happy inside and they just didn't work. Like the sand dunes, camping, shopping, lunch dates with girlfriends, time with my mom, dates with Chance. Nothing worked. I still felt totally empty and out of control. I had Priesthood blessings, prayed ALLLLL DAY LONG. I even had enormous amounts of faith that there was a reason I was dealing with these weird feelings I didn't understand. All the while, NONE of my friends knew I was struggling with this as bad as it was.

I felt like I was strong enough to just make the mental choice to FIGHT this. So one day in September I decided that I would wake up every day and get ready. Even if it meant changing into different pajamas... that I would change my clothes! Brush my hair, put make up on.. do something to feel like I am doing something for myself. Still, nothing helped.

When I look back at my first 7 months of motherhood, I don't think of good memories. I think of the times I would be driving down the road and think to myself "I would be totally okay with it, if that diesel truck just ran into me."

I never felt like I was worth anything. I didn't feel like I was doing special "work" or the most important job, or whatever everyone tells you motherhood is supposed to be like. I felt like I was invisible and had ZERO control over anything in my life. I had become so negative about everything and never wanted to see any of my friends. I felt like this whole parenting this was just a  LIE.

Those feelings listed about just now... THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!!

I am usually a very positive person, you know this. I LOVE my friends. And every person is important and has great value and worth. I have always known that. And never doubted the trials the Lord hands me. I have always had great faith knowing that when I receive a trial, it is because I am supposed to learn all that I can and then help others. Because we all need to understand each other a little more, and have empathy. I believe that is why we have these trials. So we can better understand each others feelings. AS cheesy as that sounds.

It finally hit me a few months ago that I was not myself, and that it wasn't okay to feel this way. I had given it a very honest effort of doing this on my own. I was prideful and did not want to open up to my friends and reach out, let alone my family. I did now want to become the sad case... I don't want sympathy. I just want to be happy. I don't want to sulk, I want to rejoice. I have been feeling so lost. I almost don't even remember who I used to be. Now I just feel like a washed up ungrateful SOB.

I say that because SO many of my remarkable friends would give anything just to have a healthy baby under their care. So, I am sure many of them are laughing at me.

Throughout most of this process over the last 10 months, I have never really taken PPD seriously. Until I was getting my hair done and another mom there mentioned something about PPD that sparked me. It was the day after I said a very sincere prayer asking for someone to help me. Someone to give me an answer for what I need to do to shake this. Because clearly whatever I had been doing, wasn't working. I told this other hairdresser/mom that I was in such a dark place that I didn't even care if I died, now , I would never commit suicide but if I got in an accident I would not care. (Without the baby in the car, duh.) and she all but cried with me. She asked me if I had seen a doctor about it, and I had not. Maybe it was pride, or the fact that I hated antidepressants. Also, I don't usually take any prescriptions. I did my post-c-section without any pain meds. I didn't want to have to take a pill to feel something or get addicted to it. But, she told me about her similar experience and begged me to at least go talk to my doctor.

I AM SO GLAD I listened to that familiar stranger at the salon. I went to my doctor, was able to find a very low dose medication that removed the bad. I now feel normal again, in fact, I feel like the LESLEE I was when Chance and I were dating. I feel alive again. Not stimulated, no robot feeling, just Leslee. I feel like I can win at life again. I feel like I want to create fun memories with my family again. And I remember the dark cloud to be a bit farther away. There is NO SHAME in asking or help. and accepting it.

My dear friends, I know many of you struggle with depression or anxiety. Whether related to babies, marriage or just life in general. This stuff is REAL. Please do not let your pride get in the way of the help you need. Do not be afraid to reach out and talk to your trusted friends. They will help you. Pray for special guidance and have unwavering faith that the Lord will guide someone to you with answers. Do your best, he will never leave you alone.

The main lesson I have learned throughout all of this, and why I even made it through to type this today.... is because I was able to recognize early on, that any of those sad, anxious, angry, outrageous feelings and thoughts I was feeling - are not from our Heavenly Father. Nope, they're just NOT. He would not want us to feel any of those feelings. In fact, he's there to help relieve them and remove them.

Once I was able to see that it was not feelings from my Father in Heaven, I felt like I had a little more control over it. It was in my hands to just have faith, and press forward. No matter how hard it may be.

Please know this - if you are reading this - you are important to me. I need my close friends more than I ever have before. I have plenty of amazing friends, and I am so grateful. I want to be there for you like you have been for me.

I hope you all know that if you are struggling with anxiety, depression, loss, mental illness, postpartum depression or anything of that sort, please know that you can talk to me. I will never judge you, I will never force my opinion on you. I will just listen and be here for you!

NO ONE deserves to feel even an ounce of what I've been feeling for the last 10 months. Please get help if you need it, don't be prideful. Take care of yourself, you can't be a wounded healer.

I am here for you. Forever.

Leslee Lundgren

Winning at life today

So, I realize this is me doing two posts in one day. BUT - I am on one today.

I remember being pregnant and telling people how bad my "pregnancy brain" was.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

And then there came MOM BRAIN.

Mom brain is real my friends. And OH so much worse than pregnancy brain. I sort of feel like this...

If you haven't seen this movie - google the scene. You won't regret it. Or click here...

I feel like a LUNATIC. I'm preaching to the choir here. Most of you either feel this way, feel worse that this or know what it's like. I'm amazed I remembered to put deodorant on BOTH pits today.

I had an OB appointment today to get an IUD and of course - didn't take the time to shave my legs because well, it's winter. And what happens? The hot medical student doctor gets to come to my appointment. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Good thing I'm married, but don't act like you wouldn't be freakin' about that, too.

THEN, last night as I was driving home I caught myself falling asleep two times. I still managed to end up at my relief society activity (high five) and partially fell asleep during the prayer. I'm sort of a zombie. There have been days I don't even remember what I did.

I sometimes get out of the shower and realize I still have conditioner in my hair.
I sometimes get out of the shower and realize I only shaved one arm pit.
I sometimes lotion one leg and walk away.
I sometimes/ALWAYS make plans and forget about them an hour later. (sorry everyone)
I sometimes realize the other moms who post about how productive they are sometimes need to GET REAL
I sometimes feel like high five-ing myself for NEVER staying in my pajamas all day. I make sure I get dressed no matter what.
I sometimes text Jessica Tuttle and tell her happy Tuesday on a Wednesday. (oops)
I sometimes have days where I feel like I am winning at life, and today wasn't one of them.

I used to have my $h!t together. Then I had a baby. Now my brain is fried, and who knows where. I'm all over the place, and sleep deprived. And I have a GOOD sleeper. I just sleep like crap and waking up at 5:30 every day - even with a nap - is NOT something I was born to do.

Then this happened.....

YUP - that is pee all over the blanket and ottoman. Oh, and it got all over me too. I thought we were past this stage. He hasn't done that since he was a newborn. PS - how about Tucker watching the pee come out? BWAH. 

I guess I just feel extra RAD today. We all have those mom-brain moments, if you're a mama. I'm glad my fellow mom friends don't judge me when I have these days. 

High fives to us all. Moms or not, as a lady we have LOTS going through our minds. So, I appreciate every little thing that gets accomplished each day because of how rad my brain is. 

DIY Baby Food Tips

So, I made a MESS of my kitchen last week trying to make baby food for the first time. I did a ton of research on Pinterest for recipes, tips and more. But, NONE of them really told you the stuff I learned that day. So, hopefully this one will even it all out.

There's plenty of ways to do this, so I'm sure as I keep making food for RJ I will have more tips. Such is life. But, here is the few things I learned and what I did.

First, I bought organic veggies from the store. I buy organic because I have a puker who tends to have food issues. And because I love Good Earth! But, even Wal Mart/Maceys (Target?) has an organic section if you don't want to have to shop at two different stores. RJ loves sweet potatoes, avocado and carrots. I would say this method didn't really break down his food to the 4 month old mush type food. So, I would say this is probably safer for 6 month olds, since it ends up a little thicker.

I bought the following items from Wal-Mart and Amazon.com to get started:

*Infantino Fresh Squeeze Pouches (these are AMAZING) -Wal Mart & Amazon have them at the same price. I love the quality of them, and the one I bought at Wal Mart came with the pump to add the food to the pouches. And on Amazon you can buy just the pouches (50 for $12.99). So, you HAVE to buy the pump/syringe thing to go with these, or you'll hate your life. My first kit I got came with like 25 pouches and the pump for $10. Buy the cute little spoon attachments too!

*Cube Freezer Trays obviously it doesn't need to be fancy like this - but they're cheap so why not? I did find that it is a ROYAL pain to get the food out of these after they're frozen. Kind of a pain, so I would go with pouches instead of these. Seriously. I swear the Pinterest articles LIE, this is not an easy method for my type. Ha. I froze them, then broke them out (swore a lot in the process) and then put them back in a tupperware and in the freezer. Then I just grab a cube when I'm ready to feed him and let it thaw. Kind of annoying. The pouches you can just throw in a cup of hot water to thaw. So, I'm not a HUGE fan of this method.

*A super awesome food processor  I won't link this one because I am sure there's better processors than what I have. I have the Ninja food processor and blender mix and it worked just fine!

So, that is all I purchased to get things started. Then I did this...

Avocados

I just mashed up the avocados and put about 1/2 cup water in the bowl and then stuck it in the freezer cubes and BAM, you're done. I'm sure there's other fancy ways of doing this.

Sweet Potatoes & Carrots 

I started off by peeling them, and throwing them in a pot of water to boil for a bit. I did the avocados while these boiled. Then I put them in the food processor with about 1 cup of water - ish. Then, I put them in the syringe/pump and BAM right into the pouches.

I found one bag of carrots filled about 10-12 of the pouches and 4 sweet potatoes filled like 15 pouches. RJ eats 1 pouch a day so really, it is a great deal!

I'm not a pro at ANYTHING. So, these are all rookie tips from ONE time of making food. So, take it for what it's worth. I went through tons of dishes, and found that my blender SUCKS for making baby food and to stick to my food processor. Ha. Maybe that is common knowledge, but I'm awesome like that.

I would LOVE to hear your tips if you've done this before. I also realized afterwards that it might taste yummy to add coconut oil to some of these? Who knows. Tell me what you do!

Ready, go!

I can't live without...

So, I usually post from my phone so I don't really take the time to link to sites or whatever. I've wanted to write a post about some items I can't live without. Before I do, let me preface with the fact that EVERY baby is different. And what may work for one, totally sucks for another.

RJ had had MAJOR feeding issues since he was born so we've been able to play guinea pig for so many random things and just make our own schedules with stuff. I found that when I was looking for answers with him, we never really found them. We just sort of flew by the seats of our pants and survived. But, a few of our awesome friends have suggested some SWEET products that have been game changers for us. So, maybe me posting a list of things we love will help other moms out there find solutions. Or at least find another thing that doesn't work. It's important to check things off that list, too.

Here are my top 10 MUST HAVES at our house and the reasons why (not in order of faves):

1) Podee Hands Free Bottle System - I'm telling you right now, if you don't have at least ONE of these bottles, you are missing out. We initially bought this hoping it would help with RJ's constant PUKE FEST. But, it didn't. It is supposed to help with gas, and it seems to! But, he's never been a super gassy baby. Anyways, you should see the LOOKS I get from everyone in public when we are feeding him from these bottles. It's classic. However, this bottle has made my life so much easier. We can feed him in the carseat, while I'm in the shower... or doing my hair straight. It is amazing. And for those "special" moms who want to hold their baby EVERY time they feed them, you can still do that, too. Don't worry... I'm not a neglectful mom just because I LOVE me a hands free bottle. Who doesn't want a few feedings a day where you can get stuff done at the same time. I sure a crap do!

*Tip for this product* Cleaning this bottle system sucks and makes for lots of sterilizing and dishes. Also, if you already have 8 oz bottles, just buy their "Convert a bottle kit". Saves you a few bucks!

2) Merlins Magic SleepSuit - This has been a lifesaver for us. RJ initially hated being swaddled. Then at about 1-2 months old he was swaddled with the Aden and Anais muslin blankets (which RULE). Well, that didn't last long because he was apparently THOR in another life. He busted out of them like a bandit. So, we gave the velcro ones by Summer Infant SwaddleMe a try. Man, those SAVED our life for several months. Then, he started escaping those. He's Houdini. I swear. Anyways, our awesome friend suggested the Merlin's Magic SleepSuit and after a few nights (and LOTS of laughing) he did awesome with it. It took a few naps to adjust and he can still move his arms a bit, but overall he has figured it out! We're SO grateful the swaddle transition was not as bad as it started out, thanks to this!

3) Nosefrida -  This sucker (pun intended) is sort of how you initiate yourself into the "Mom Club". I mean, who doesn't want to use their mouth to suck the boogers out of their kids nose? It freaks my husband out, he won't do it. Anyways, this thing is MAGIC. I promise you won't get even a taste of a boog. Trust me. It's amazeballs.

4) Chatbooks - OK if you don't know about Chatbooks you are missing out. This handy dandy app you download on your phone synchs to your Instagram. And for $6 it automatically mails you these cute little books of 60 pages of your insta. Or you can go in and create your own outside of that. I love this because it scrapbooks RJ's life for me since that is 90% of what I post on there anyways. You can edit your captions from the app and it will even print the date you posted them. Or you don't even have to print the date and caption. We love these books! We printed additional copies for grandparents for Christmas and they were a HIT. You can't go wrong! They do all the work for me. High five Chatbooks.

5) Hands-Free Pumping Bra - Now, I only breastfed for about a month but, while I did - and was a pumping machine.... this bra was HEAVENLY. However, don't go spending $60. My husband is so thrifty that he took an old sports bra from wal-mart and cut two small holes in the nips. WALAH. Either way, having one of these bad boys was awesome.

6) Dr. Brown's Forumla Mixing Pitcher - All of you formula feeding mama's out there now what a pain it is to shake the bottles and mix stubborn formula. So, I have quite the RAD system down for my daily bottles. I sanitize the bottle nipples and the Podee cords while I'm mixing the formula and cleaning the kitchen. The formula we use gets super bubbly when we mix it so I usually let it sit for a couple of minutes before I pour it anyways. But, this pitcher has made bottle making SUPER easy. I make 6 bottles a day for RJ in the morning and this helps me so much. I love it! I wish they made them a little bit bigger. This one holds 32 oz of liquid and spills over if you get too crazy with the blending. So, it would be nice to see a bigger version. But, overall I love this! I was using my blender and it made SUPER bubbles of our formula and still left a few clumps of powder. And this mixes it just right and doesn't get super bubbly.

7) Breatheable Mesh Crib Liner - As a first time mom I was worried about all of the things you hear about how "crib bedding can suffocate your child". So, we bought this and it it awesome! I thought it would look WT but it doesn't! It took a few choice swear words to put on the crib but, it's done.

8) Amazon Prime -  SO worth the money. You can buy pretty much any of your mom needs (or use amazon mom) without leaving the house. Amazon prime gets you free 2 day shipping, which almost everyone knows unless you've been living under a rock. Pretty much everything on this list is an item I've purchased off of there. Mostly because you can read reviews from other parents. And again, so I don't have to leave my house.

9) Costco Diapers & Wipes -  When RJ was a newborn the ONLY diapers that we used were the Pampers Swaddlers. LOVED them. But, once he hit size 1 we went to Kirkland. I have done my shopping and this is the best quality for the best price. OF course, it is Costco. And the wipes are great! Every kid is different so these may not work for yours.. but we are  super happy they do for RJ. His formula is so expensive we're happy to save a dollar anywhere we can.

10) The Mormon Channel App - Since I used to work for Mormon.org, I've pretty much seen all of those video 100 times. So, if you aren't me - then you can download that one too! But, when I'm having a mommy breakdown I try to watch videos on there. I love Mormon Messages. I always seem to find one that speaks to me that day. Even if it's one I've seen ten times, I hear a different message. I can't do this mommy stuff alone and I need the spirit to give me patience and perspective. Religious or not, this is an awesome app for anyone! There's tons of GOOD content. I am terrible at reading my scriptures, so this is sort of my spiritual food most days.

I'm sure I've left out things that I like even more than some of these. BUT, it's what came to my mind. I'm sure as RJ gets older the list will go on!

What are some things you can't live without and why?

Robert Jeffrey - the J.

I wanted to talk about where RJ's name comes from. His two Grandpas. Chances dad, Robert and my dad Jeffrey. 

Here's a bit about my dad.

I'm watching one of my favorite movies called Dragonfly, with Kevin Costner. It's a movie about how a mans wife tries to send a message to him after she passes away, using dragonflies. 

Anyways, most people who know me get that dragonflies have always been my thing. Mostly because it reminds me of my sweet friend Megann who passed away when I was 18. And also my dad who died when I was six months old. 

When I am having bad days, or seeking answers it seems like I always see a dragonfly, whether it be in real life or a decoration. It's been a little sign for me! I would like to believe it's either my friend of my dad. Who knows. 

Anyways, I'm holding RJ in my arms right now as he sleeps and I watch this movie. He is sick and fussy. And so sweet when he sleeps. I can't help but think about the fact that I was exactly this age when my dad died. Just a teeny tiny six month old baby. It's not been easy but when I look at him, I feel this urge that he gives me new meaning in life. 

It makes me less angry with my dad. Strangely it helps me understand his frame of mind a little bit more. He was not even 30 years old and he took his own life. For most of my life I've wondered HOW you could go home to a brand new baby, let alone three other beautiful young kids, and then take your own life? I never understood it. I was angry. And confused! I felt unimportant and resentful. Not to mention how bad I felt for my poor 26 year old mom who was left with four kids under the age of five. 

But, I get it now. (Not because I'm suicidal, or angry.) I now understand that he was so sad, and lost and in a state of mind that ONLY the Lord can fully understand, that even the love for a newborn baby could not remove that dark cloud from him. He must have been in such a dark place to have thought we were better off. Mental illness is real, and should never be ignored or joked around with. Don't fake or threaten suicide for attention my friends. It's rude and selfish. And unless you've had someone close to you actually do it, you will only get defensive of that. Sorry. 

I never really talk about this. Most of my friends don't even know how my dad died or that he even did at all. Anyways, I guess having a son that is named after my dad (J for Jeffrey) was my way of telling him I am sorry and forgive him.  And that I want to give his name a new life, a new opportunity to start over and be better. 

Most people would think its a jinx or bad omen. But, when Chance suggested we name him Robert Jeffrey after our dads, I felt a chill come over me. Almost like my dad hugging me and saying he loved me. 

Anyways, I've always wanted to understand what happened that day when he passed away. I know I won't in this lifetime, but I do forgive him. And I love him, and I'm grateful to be a mom to RJ. Even on my worst days, I know the Lord has a bigger, better plan for us all. I can't wait to see him again.