So, I've written this post about three times and never published it. This is my fourth attempt. I may never even publish this one. Who knows! I guess if you're reading this, then I did. Ha.
I really have so much I could say about this topic. And I am more than happy to talk with ANY of you about it in a more private setting. Because I understand the feeling of wanting to be private about this. However, I have felt for a very long time now that I can maybe help someone else if I am open about my situation and feelings. So, I make this not-so-very-private blog post about something very personal to me.
When I was pregnant I was warned about postpartum depression. The day I had the baby, they had a social worker stop by the hospital room and give me several pamphlets about PPD because I had a VERY small history of depression (I'll explain in a bit). Then, the NAZI breastfeeding nurses that came to my house a few times the first week at home even shoved some PPD info down my throat.
Really, I just sat and laughed at them. Thinking.... really guys? Wow, is this that serious that you have to be so heavy about it? Holy crap. Give me a break. I will be just fine. I just had a baby, everyone I see talks about how much they LOVE their new baby more than they could ever imagine and how it's worth it. So, lay off of me ladies! I'll be JUST FINE...
First let me tell you that my dad had a mental illness that he was on medication for. He had several surgeries and was taking medications for the pain as well. This ultimately resulted in his suicide before the age of 30. Then when I was 17, my very close friend committed suicide. This brought me into a weird funk where I slept all day and was pretty sad about my life. Looking back now, I wasn't even really depressed. I was just a typical teenager who was lost and had made a few choices that weren't very smart that led to unhappiness. My family doctor put me on several different anti-depressants trying to help me actually wake up every day. All of them made me feel like a robot. I hated them. I eventually made some lifestyle changes, went to some college and felt like I was of some worth to the world. MANY of the people who are reading this were very crucial friends whom I met along that way and led me back to sanity. I'm so grateful.
About a week after I had RJ is when things started to get crazy. I blamed most of it on "baby hormones" and the fact that I had a baby who literally puked every single ounce of milk all over me all-freaking-day. All I wanted to do was fix it, make it stop. I couldn't. I was realizing that motherhood meant I have no control really on the outcome of MANY things in my life now. OY OY OY OY OY.
I had the worst anxiety I thought I could ever possibly feel. Every night. I had RJ sleep in his bassinet beside my bed and I would literally hold my hand on his chest all night to feel him breathing. I drove my husband insane, I'm sure. Even typing about this makes me get a rash on my chest from the anxiousness it brings.
Then one night, when RJ was about one month old - I went in and gave him to Chance. I went in the other room with the lights off and cried harder than I probably ever have. I said to myself "what the hell did I just get myself into?" I didn't want to be a mom anymore. It was just too much. Too much responsibility, too many emotions and WAY too much love that I just didn't even know what to do with. How was I going to do this? I was so confused and felt like an absolute disaster. I've never felt so out of control in my life.
I then told myself that "as soon as we moved back to the states and home to Utah, where my family is... that everything would feel better." I even had a few friends send me inspired messages without even knowing what I was really going through. Those small moments kept me hanging on.
Sadly, after we moved back it just seemed to keep getting worse. I would try and do things that used to make me feel happy inside and they just didn't work. Like the sand dunes, camping, shopping, lunch dates with girlfriends, time with my mom, dates with Chance. Nothing worked. I still felt totally empty and out of control. I had Priesthood blessings, prayed ALLLLL DAY LONG. I even had enormous amounts of faith that there was a reason I was dealing with these weird feelings I didn't understand. All the while, NONE of my friends knew I was struggling with this as bad as it was.
I felt like I was strong enough to just make the mental choice to FIGHT this. So one day in September I decided that I would wake up every day and get ready. Even if it meant changing into different pajamas... that I would change my clothes! Brush my hair, put make up on.. do something to feel like I am doing something for myself. Still, nothing helped.
When I look back at my first 7 months of motherhood, I don't think of good memories. I think of the times I would be driving down the road and think to myself "I would be totally okay with it, if that diesel truck just ran into me."
I never felt like I was worth anything. I didn't feel like I was doing special "work" or the most important job, or whatever everyone tells you motherhood is supposed to be like. I felt like I was invisible and had ZERO control over anything in my life. I had become so negative about everything and never wanted to see any of my friends. I felt like this whole parenting this was just a LIE.
Those feelings listed about just now... THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!!
I am usually a very positive person, you know this. I LOVE my friends. And every person is important and has great value and worth. I have always known that. And never doubted the trials the Lord hands me. I have always had great faith knowing that when I receive a trial, it is because I am supposed to learn all that I can and then help others. Because we all need to understand each other a little more, and have empathy. I believe that is why we have these trials. So we can better understand each others feelings. AS cheesy as that sounds.
It finally hit me a few months ago that I was not myself, and that it wasn't okay to feel this way. I had given it a very honest effort of doing this on my own. I was prideful and did not want to open up to my friends and reach out, let alone my family. I did now want to become the sad case... I don't want sympathy. I just want to be happy. I don't want to sulk, I want to rejoice. I have been feeling so lost. I almost don't even remember who I used to be. Now I just feel like a washed up ungrateful SOB.
I say that because SO many of my remarkable friends would give anything just to have a healthy baby under their care. So, I am sure many of them are laughing at me.
Throughout most of this process over the last 10 months, I have never really taken PPD seriously. Until I was getting my hair done and another mom there mentioned something about PPD that sparked me. It was the day after I said a very sincere prayer asking for someone to help me. Someone to give me an answer for what I need to do to shake this. Because clearly whatever I had been doing, wasn't working. I told this other hairdresser/mom that I was in such a dark place that I didn't even care if I died, now , I would never commit suicide but if I got in an accident I would not care. (Without the baby in the car, duh.) and she all but cried with me. She asked me if I had seen a doctor about it, and I had not. Maybe it was pride, or the fact that I hated antidepressants. Also, I don't usually take any prescriptions. I did my post-c-section without any pain meds. I didn't want to have to take a pill to feel something or get addicted to it. But, she told me about her similar experience and begged me to at least go talk to my doctor.
I AM SO GLAD I listened to that familiar stranger at the salon. I went to my doctor, was able to find a very low dose medication that removed the bad. I now feel normal again, in fact, I feel like the LESLEE I was when Chance and I were dating. I feel alive again. Not stimulated, no robot feeling, just Leslee. I feel like I can win at life again. I feel like I want to create fun memories with my family again. And I remember the dark cloud to be a bit farther away. There is NO SHAME in asking or help. and accepting it.
My dear friends, I know many of you struggle with depression or anxiety. Whether related to babies, marriage or just life in general. This stuff is REAL. Please do not let your pride get in the way of the help you need. Do not be afraid to reach out and talk to your trusted friends. They will help you. Pray for special guidance and have unwavering faith that the Lord will guide someone to you with answers. Do your best, he will never leave you alone.
The main lesson I have learned throughout all of this, and why I even made it through to type this today.... is because I was able to recognize early on, that any of those sad, anxious, angry, outrageous feelings and thoughts I was feeling - are not from our Heavenly Father. Nope, they're just NOT. He would not want us to feel any of those feelings. In fact, he's there to help relieve them and remove them.
Once I was able to see that it was not feelings from my Father in Heaven, I felt like I had a little more control over it. It was in my hands to just have faith, and press forward. No matter how hard it may be.
Please know this - if you are reading this - you are important to me. I need my close friends more than I ever have before. I have plenty of amazing friends, and I am so grateful. I want to be there for you like you have been for me.
I hope you all know that if you are struggling with anxiety, depression, loss, mental illness, postpartum depression or anything of that sort, please know that you can talk to me. I will never judge you, I will never force my opinion on you. I will just listen and be here for you!
NO ONE deserves to feel even an ounce of what I've been feeling for the last 10 months. Please get help if you need it, don't be prideful. Take care of yourself, you can't be a wounded healer.
I am here for you. Forever.
Leslee Lundgren
