Well, I haven't really made this super public knowledge. But, I feel pretty strong tonight that I need to blog about it. I have had a lot of feelings the last two weeks and need to share them. Maybe so someone can reach out to me and help me feel a little more normal. Or perhaps, so someone can feel less alone in their struggle.
I've been told by doctors since my First Lady exam that I will likely struggle having children. So, subconsciously I've never really allowed myself to become "baby hungry". Also, I never really did enjoy babysitting while I was growing up. I hated pets. Couldn't keep a plant alive, let alone a beta fish. So, honestly it took enough effort growing up just to take care of myself and worry about my mom. I was a major worry wort. Having a baby HEIGHTENED that. Holy hell, did it ever. Puke. Ah.
Anyways, I guess I am saying that I never really have had a dream of a big family because I sort of knew it wouldn't happen. So, I've learned to enjoy my nieces and nephews, and my friends children. I soak in every moment I can. And I also try to become the "cool and fun" aunt. Duh. I had such a traumatic experience during childbirth with RJ that I honestly need therapy for PTSD. Sounds stupid but, I mean it. I have triggers that set off these insane anxiety attacks that no medication or meditation and oil can chill out. I've been working on it with my doctor and fellow naturalistic friends for 9 months now. One day at a time, I will get the hang of it. I need to do some sort of emotional release. Maybe I'll burn something that symbolizes the experience? I don't know. Maybe several things, over the next several years. All I know is, I will never stop trying.
Seeing so many of my friends announce pregnancies and childbirth over the holidays was so awesome! I'm so happy for you all. It doesn't make me uncomfortable at all, we each have a plan from Heavenly Father - I do not doubt his plan for us. I know I have plenty of work to do on this earth that does not involve pregnancies and adopting a child. It has everything to do with raising RJ up in a home that's is based upon love, forgiveness, acceptance, HARD WORK, and self confidence. Also, I believe this world needs something I have to offer. That I couldn't give otherwise. I believe HF has a plan for Chance, RJ and me. Something special. And if we do our part, that will ring true.
I said goodbye to my Uterus and Fallopian tubes two weeks ago. I feel healthier today than I have in a year.
The people who I have come across that find out about it have been well, funny. Expecting me to be traumatized, and offer lots of sympathies. I would probably do the same to another random woman. But, you guys, spare me. I promise I'm okay. It's sad, I am sad. But just momentarily. I do not doubt Heavenly Fathers plan. Mourning too long would mean I doubt him. I have faith. We will be blessed in so many other ways. It could always be worse. Much worse. So, really, I am OKAY! I have lots of work to do, with my family. I won't let it stop me!
Moving forward, my "story of me" won't be based upon no longer being able to have kids. I can't focus on that. It won't fix things, it won't change it. It just won't.
Anyways, I guess having a somewhat major surgery this month has reminded me of what is important. And it's not about introducing yourself to people as someone with problems, victimize yourself. I think it's about helping THEM find their strength by your example. And listening to them and learning from their example! Which sometimes requires being brave and sharing your story. There's a balance there.
And I'm blabbering away because I've been "taking it easy" for three weeks. Leslee doesn't do that very well. 🙋🏻
I guess I just want to type my word vomit so one day RJ or his wife can see this. And know that I loved my boy with all that I have. And man, does his daddy love him. I've never seen Chance love that way. It melts my heart. He is a true man. Just what I wanted growing up.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, some that would/could ruin everything I have worked so hard for. Maybe because I'm afraid to have the life I have always wanted. So I throw a trench in the way. Either way, I'm glad I have RJ and Chance on my side to grab my arm before I fly off the cliff. Oh, and the few friends I confide in during those times. I will never forget those of you who have never judged me, and been there. And know my truth, and trust me with yours. You know who you are and I love you, like woah.
Me, me, me, me. This was all about me. But, maybe it will help you relate. And feel less alone or sad. Or whatever. Hey, maybe you'll just read this and think I'm a blab fest and need a nap.
Yup, you're right. I do. Don't we all?
PS- I dare you not to smile.
