Six months of being a mom. I survived!

Six months ago I was screaming at the top of my lungs in a hospital bed, having been in labor for over 24 hours. At around midnight they finally decided to do an emergency C section. And at 2:45 am on the 22nd RJ was born! Wow. I kind of am amazed at myself for making it this far and only have had about five total mental breakdowns. And hey, my marriage is getting stronger every day. 

I feel like I need to clarify something... I don't think I have this "awful terribly hard baby". He's actually a very good baby. He's smart, picks up on things very well, smiles all the time, only cries when he's hungry or tired and he sleeps like a champ MOST of the time. 

Outside of his CONSTANT puke fest, he's a dream baby. I think I'm reluctant to have another baby because I don't want a baby who cries a lot or one who never EVER sleeps. RJ slept through the night at five weeks old. Yes, he's being a monster right now about sleeping but, he's been a good baby overall. Let's be honest though, considering the struggle it was to get pregnant with RJ, I will be grateful to even have another baby. So don't get me wrong.

Anyways, I guess I just need to let anyone who reads this know that most of the reason why I write the posts complaining or whatnot - it's not because I think I have a terrible baby who is unreasonable, it's because becoming a mom has been a complete SHOCK for me. 

I have really struggled at feeling like I was meant for this. (I am not asking for sympathy or attention by saying that.) It doesn't come very natural for me to enjoy stages or phases.. I do feel a very strong bond with RJ but I also feel like that has grown as we have struggled together. It wasn't at first sight like I see other moms express. 

I used to feel bad that I hated my life every day as a new mom. Top it off with post partum depression...  I saw other moms expressing their love for their babies and making it look so easy to sacrifice so much for their little ones. It's hard for me to sacrifice, I'm a selfish person but I am also just not used to babies. I never really babysat growing up, I'm the youngest and my nieces and nephews lived in California and Wisconsin at this young age. I also never had my own pet or animal growing up either. I've always just sort of taken care of myself. This has been a giant change. It is for anyone though. 

Becoming a mom has been freaking hard. I look back at the first two months of RJs life and sort of just feel this heavy load. I remember feeling like it would never go away. Like there was never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. If I didn't enjoy the newborn phase then it was just never going to get better. I really felt that. 

Society has made us think things should be like they are in the movies or even on social media. That's complete and utter BS. Life, marriage, motherhood, all of that IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I don't believe in being a victim. I'll be honest, it's taken me six months of motherhood to even grasp some of that though.

I feel like I have a good handle on that in the other aspects of my life but motherhood threw me for a loop. 

I had a very inspired friend tell me the other day that she feels like the sacrifice of motherhood is probably one of the closest things to what the Savior did for us with his sacrifice. I believe her. And somehow hearing that from her made me feel this overwhelming sense of peace. I felt like there was purpose in me becoming a mom. And that it wasn't just to learn to love deeper or to bring another person into this world. 

It reminded me that there is a bigger world out there. A life after this one, a bigger purpose. More than just the little daily things that sometimes make me impatient and drive me nuts. I think the inner pain and struggle of motherhood is here to help us learn to rely on the Lord. To understand how he felt and know that we are not alone. To look to him in our darkest times and stay as close to him as we can. Yet, on those dark days I've had, that's the last thing I want to do. And he is still there waiting for me. And ready to help me. 

I guess what I mean here is that I know I'm not alone. I know I was given a baby that pukes non-stop so I can help someone else down the road when they experience similar situations. 

We don't go through trials to feel superior to others and have less empathy for them because our trial was harder. We go through trials to help others. I promise that someone in your life will need you, I have always felt this way. And being a mom has heightened that feeling!!! Maybe that's why I blog. Even if only five people ever read this, I hope it helps one person feel a little less alone. Even if you're not a mom.

It makes it a little bit easier to go through a trial knowing it will benefit someone else one day if I am in a space to learn everything I can and do my best. So, I will keep going and do the best I can. Every day I feel a little better about being a mom. 

A little bit at a time I feel like I have more knowledge and experience than the day before. I've learned to live one day at a time since I had RJ. And crap, I needed that more than anything. EVER. 

I look forward to the plethora of things I will learn in the next six months. 

Thanks for reading this! I know it's word vomit and a little random and all over the place. I just ALWAYS want to be REAL. Never fake or fluffy. So, sometimes that makes my posts random instead of well thought out and composed.