We're going going, back back to Canada!

If you can't find me on Facebook that is not because I unfriended or blocked you. So many of you have asked me that. I also got a new phone number. I don't hate you. :)

I decided to take a break from Facebook. Mostly because I was exhausted at all the political posts. Also, because of all the parenting articles that I couldn't stop reading on my feed. My lack of self control is clearly an issue here. Ha.Oh, and waiting for each picture perfect moment to post on social media for approval and show.  I was constantly feeling like I was doing everything wrong. I shouldn't discipline my son, I should go to church more often, I should feed my son organic food, home school him, exercise 4 times a day, act like I had a perfect life and knew what I was doing. I punished myself for failing every.single.day.

Well, cat is out of the bag guys. I have no idea what the hell I am doing. And you know what, I'm totally fine with that. Finally. And I am posting this to remind myself on the off days, that it is FINE to just be. It's okay to just be who I am, and not constantly push the limits. Or seek validation. Or be the best employee, mom, daughter, wife and friend. It is okay to give the middle finger to what I'm not doing.  I've spent most of my adult life chasing after what I want. All the while, I've totally freaking missed out on what I HAVE. Sounds so typical, but seriously. All along I thought that was what I am supposed to be. An overachiever. "Always improving". Ha.

More like "always falling short because I think I have to be perfect". Since when did it become acceptable to forget about the present and focus so much on the future?

And PS guys, if you feed your kid organic food, home school them, exercise 4 times a day and what not, high five. I will NEVER judge or look down on the way someone chooses to live their life or parent. This is just the list of things I felt pressured to do that weren't authentic for ME. 

After hitting a major wall in September, feeling like I had too much anxiety and stress that it would NEVER leave. I could never get better or feel better, I decided to simplify my life a bit and be present. Read The Power of Now. Life changing, like woah. I have it on audio book so I can listen to it while I drive or while RJ naps. It saves me. I LOVE it.

Amidst all of this, we received a phone call from Young Living (Chance's old job) asking for Chance to come back, and move to Canada again. I SWORE ON MY FREAKING LIFE that I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER move to Canada again.

Ha. As the Biebs says, never say never.

At this point in our life, I had been a stay at home mom with post-partum depression and a 6 month old who puked all day. I had been the full-time working mom of a toddler who got kicked out of daycare for being strong willed. (long story, but I can laugh about it now) I had been the mom who hung out with a friend to escape my life, because I made some crappy decisions I felt I could never be forgiven of. And I had been the hermit who hid from the people I love because I was too depressed to put on a fake face. Which to me, was so much worse than living in Canada.

I actually remember only the good times of living up there (beside the hellish giving birth part, which won't be a problem now. Ha). But, really I've grown up a bit and I see it all with a different light now days. We learned and grew SO much up there. Hell, we wouldn't even have had RJ if we didn't make the connections we had up there. We only scratched the surface compared to what we can do now.

Moving there now, will be what we make it. I can move up there with a bad attitude and create a negative experience,  OR we can move up there as a little family who gets to create an awesome life, no matter where we are. I'm sort of learning that life is what I make it. I am not a prisoner to anyone and don't have to rely on anyone else to make me happy. I get to choose that every morning when I wake up. Even if that means being happy with the ONE armpit I forgot to shave and yesterdays make up.

Some days I spend texting my best friend about how much my two year old makes me swear. Some days I text her about how much I love him and the cuddles he gives me. Other times, I try to talk to her on the phone and our kids scream in the background and we end up yelling at our kids instead of talking to each other. Then she consoles me and reminds me that I am a good mom.

Either way, I still am happy in those crazy moments. Because I'm grateful to only have one child to chase around (don't think I could handle more than one), he's healthy, his dad is his hero and my sweetheart, I am healthy and able to balance my life better. OH, and I am now a stay at home mom and love it. It is more than a full-time job without time off and pushes me to my limit often. But, it is so much more fulfilling than the job I had. And I workout every day. Who am I? What?!

Long, long story short... we are moving back to Calgary. We don't know when yet, likely February or March next year once we have Chance's work visa approved. (Bolded so you remember and don't ask me every time you see me.) Yep, I just said that.

I had my last day at work in late October. Being at home with RJ has allowed us to bond in a way I never imagined. I never thought I could open my heart up to someone the way I have with him. In that process, I've been able to see my husband in a different light as well. I love them both more than I ever thought I could. I thought I was broken, that I couldn't bond with people I loved because I was scared of loving them that much and losing them.

I am excited to live our lives with a lot more simplicity and quality time. I care a lot less about validation from anyone else other than myself. I know my inner strength and know that RJ will push the limits often. I am okay with that. I'd rather have him be a passionate, driven child. One day that will serve him. In the meantime it will teach me to master patience.

For now, he'll eat french fries, dog food, copy my curse words sometimes and watch Monsters Inc. 4 times a day until he's on to the next phase of his life. Yes, he attempts to eat dog food and sometimes succeeds oh and shit is his favorite word. Yep, I'm human. Ya'll with pets know what I'm talking about with the dog food. Don't you judge. They're sneaky little turkeys, these toddlers. RJ creates such a mess in total SILENCE. I need to master the silence skills he has. It amazes me.

Anyways, if you've lasted this long into my novel post, I salute you.


Love you all!

Mom Anxiety - For the LOVE.

So, I just posted the quote below as my FB status. And, seriously it seems pretty far from possible somedays.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."  ~ Mark Twain


I've never felt more uptight, cautious or psycho in my LIFE. Having a 2 year old has seriously given me some gray hairs. I really have to get my sh*t together here.
If I could have it my way... RJ would be like this 24/7

Between him being independent and strong-willed, and my awesome tenancies to want to helicopter mom him... there are a lot of emotions at our house most of the time. Either I'm sitting there biting my nails, fighting the urge to do things for him, or RJ is throwing a fit at the top of the stairs because he wants to slide down them like a freaking slinky. 

I get that there is a fine line between keeping your children safe and straight up coddling them. I have yet to find that balance. But, I do know that I want RJ to be who he is. I want him to learn things for himself. I REALLY want for him to be self reliant and figure stuff out on his own. That is what my HEART wants. 

But my BRAIN really wants to carry him down the stairs, stand over him while he does ANYTHING to make sure he doesn't get hurt. I want to follow him around all day to catch things before they happen. Trust me, I know that is crazy and also semi-normal for most moms. 

The result of me doing these things for RJ is really hindering for him and exhausting for me. He won't learn to climb down the stairs, he won't learn how to do much of anything for himself. Also, I deserve to just relax and let the damn kid be a KID. 

Yet, I still choose to be an uptight helicopter mom. WHY?! I learned a few months ago that anxiety and excitement are basically the SAME emotion, your body doesn't know the difference. My mind wants to tell me it's anxiety and negative. But, my heart says I'm just excited that my cute little buddy is a curious kid. Yet, I feed the anxiety monster EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

So, I am vomiting it all out on this post right before we go on a campout. Because any outing gives me a stomach ache. 

Here's the thing, I know RJ can sense my fear and anxiety. It fuels him. I don't actually act on my helicopter mom feelings as often as I want to. But, it about kills me to sit there and watch him do all of this crazy stuff. So, I get to figure out how to shift my thoughts. If I can just take a deeeeeeeeeep breath and trust my son, I really know it will be better for the both of us. 

LESLEE GET IT TOGETHER! 

RJ having a fun time being a kid = freedom and happiness
Leslee chilling out and sending him TRUST = freedom and happiness

So, I am now going to focus on feeding the excitement instead of telling myself it's fear/anxiety and wanting him bubble wrapped with a helmet on. I get to trust my sweet boy, and let him LIVE. 

Also, I get to relax and be present so I can enjoy those moments. Even if they are not what I expected or planned. 

Any of you mom's who have this mom anxiety figured out, hand over the goods!

For now, I'll just listen to this song over and over. 

What happens in India...

I was able to go to New Dehli, India with my mom in May for her work. We attended a women's conference there where my mom received an award for all the incredible work she does for non-profit organizations and the example she is as a successful woman. I'm so proud of her.

I have really learned a lot about myself this year, as I mentioned in my last blog. Going to India really scared the crap out of me. I hate flying over water, I'm terrified of third world countries, I like personal space and I get homesick even when I'm a house away. And well, lets just say what happened in India didn't stay in India. I threw up on the plane ride home, and had stomach troubles for THREE weeks after. And did I lose any weight? NOPE. Ha. But, I learned that I can face my fears and come out stronger. So, chalk that up to one more thing I got to learn this year.

High five.

I also gained some friendships while in India with some remarkable women. Lucky me!

While we were in India, I shared a story with some women about my struggle with PPD. As a result of this, I was then asked to share a part of my post-partum depression story for a book about overcoming your past.

It took me a long time to send her my story. Every time I sat down to write it, I had a breakdown. I wrote a 4 page story the first time, read it out loud and felt like it was too heavy. I then waited a few weeks and wrote it all over again with a different tone. When I read that one out loud it just felt very robotic. More like a motivational speech, if I was a mom going through PPD I would not want a motivational speech. I really struggled finding the right way to share my story and inspire others without being Debbie downer. Also, writing about it brought up so many raw emotions I wasn't sure I wanted to feel again.

After composing four different versions, and about seven mental breakdowns... I sent her the first one I wrote. It surprises me that so many of those emotions are still so raw for me. I have been able to conquer the depth of hell that they call Post Partum Depression, but I will never forget the way it felt.

It's healthy to talk about it, and get it out. That is why I write this blog. I don't write here to get publicity or become a mommy blogger. I really just know that other moms struggle in silence and if you are one of them, and you're reading this... please read my whole blog and know that you are NOT alone. That is what really got through to me, was hearing other mom's stories. For so long I suffered in silence and never told anyone. The very moment I started talking about it is when things started to get better.

I feel selfish when I choose to be quiet about PPD and just let people live their lives. Sometimes it is hard for me to talk about it, so I feel like it's easier not to open up. But, I know I went through that so I could be a support to other moms who deal with this. Once I am able to, I will share the book I am going to be a part of. It is really an amazing project and will be a support to so many people, not just moms who went through PPD. It is a book about every situation in life, for all ages and walks of life. I'm really proud to be a part of it, and honored to have been asked to share my story.

I'm blessed to have friends and family who have never made me feel ashamed for this. I've always felt supported and loved. So, thank you.

Hey guys, I'm back from the depths of hell. I SURVIVED!

So, I've had a lot of things happen in my life since my last blog post. Some of you are more aware of the details. But, I would say last year was by far the worst year of my LIFE. I sort of went into self destruction mode. I still had a lot of things I was holding onto from postpartum depression, and SOOOOOOOOOOO much other crap from my 30+ years on this earth. WOWZA. I boxed myself away from those who I was close to, and put myself in situations that were not safe or smart. I didn't want answers, or solutions. I wanted to just disappear and let it all figure itself out. Hadn't I been through enough in my life for a hall pass?! I felt very entitled to my pain, and really resented some people in my life because of it.

Then there came a day when I really hit the floor. That was MY version of the depths of hell. Where I realized I could lose EVERYTHING I had worked so hard for, the things I loved the most. I knew I could not keep going the way I was. Especially building up the giant walls around my heart. My son, husband and all of you guys deserve more of me than that. I'm freaking awesome, and I shouldn't hide away because of my stupid negative thoughts or fears.

Anyways, I am not sure exactly what happened to cause me to wake up and realize that it was time to take myself on and GROW. But, I am so glad I did. Mostly because my husband took the first steps and made some incredible improvements in his life. It really inspired me to see his happiness, and clear view on who he is and why he's here. I wanted that SO bad.

I felt like I really used to know who I was, and wasn't ashamed of it. I was proud to be the outgoing, loud, fun, silly person. I knew the influence I had on others, and loved touching lives. But, somehow along the way, I started to believe the people who told me I was too happy and positive get to my head.

I felt like they were making fun of me for being confident, clear, dedicated and outward. Like I should be inward, quiet, chill, non-emotional and not bother others. So, I sort of slowly became exactly that. I let my light die. Literally, die. There was hardly any light left, maybe embers. That lead to a stupid habit of people pleasing. Before I knew it, I was no longer the lighthearted Leslee I used to be. I didn't feel like I could make a difference in the world. I felt very small and useless. Who cares if I make mistakes, no one is watching anyways. I felt a lot of shame and self doubt. Pretty pathetic. But, don't feel bad for me. That is not what I'm expecting here.

I decided to take myself on and go to some life coaching type courses. This really lead to some incredible shifts in my life. If you want to hear more about that, call me! It changed my life, I let go of all the CRAP I was holding onto. My walls are coming down, and I finally recognize the triggers I have so I can handle them better when they come up for me. I know who I am, I know what  my purpose in this life is. And I create miracles every single day!

One day at a time, I am focusing on the things I can shift. And learning to let go of the things I do not get to shift, it is not in my hands.

One year ago I was taking a double prescription of anti-depressants and over 4 anti anxiety pills a day. Today, you guys,  I take ZERO. I was not cured, no magical powers healed me.

I HEALED ME. I faced my demons, faced my games, my lies, my masks. I faced the things I've done to hurt those I love, including myself. I faced my childhood drama, the things others have said that hurt me, and so much more. I chose to do that. ME. I realized I put a lot of the "hard stuff" I was facing, on myself. I all but created my trials by being so negative and so worry prone.

I am strong, much stronger than I have led myself to believe these last few years. I won't let my experiences take that away from me again. My marriage is healed, my relationship with my sweet son is SO much healthier than it was. Overall, I just know that I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to hang onto the crap that I was holding onto for SO long. It really is just that simple. I was just super SUPER complicating it.

I'm not afraid to speak up, to hug a stranger, to give eye contact. To share my gifts and talents with others, to provide service, to show up and follow through. I'm no longer afraid to be true to who I am. Even if it annoys you, or makes you crazy.

I have connected with Heavenly Father on a level I have never thought was possible. I'm so grateful I was able to wake up and see myself for who I really am. The adversary does not want us to see ourselves in our magnificence. He wants us to be shameful, afraid, shy, fearing, lack confidence, push others away and not connect. That is not the way to live life my friends!

I am here to promise you that you can count on me from here on out to be the best Leslee I KNOW that I am. I will never settle for less again. Ever. Most of the time that is easy to say when you have a bunch of "happy" experiences. Well, I haven't had those for a very long time. So, this comes from a sincere and honest place. This post comes from my heart. Which is finally accessible, and alive.

Life is to be ENJOYED not just endured, people! So, if you have a problem with my happy manner, my spontaneous dancing, joking around, encouragement, love and honesty... then you better check yo self. Ha Ha. I love you all!

SMILE at a stranger today. We all deserve a connection and even just a moment of peace. Cheesy cheese CHEESE. Freakin' deal with it.

-Leslee Lundgren