Six months of being a mom. I survived!

Six months ago I was screaming at the top of my lungs in a hospital bed, having been in labor for over 24 hours. At around midnight they finally decided to do an emergency C section. And at 2:45 am on the 22nd RJ was born! Wow. I kind of am amazed at myself for making it this far and only have had about five total mental breakdowns. And hey, my marriage is getting stronger every day. 

I feel like I need to clarify something... I don't think I have this "awful terribly hard baby". He's actually a very good baby. He's smart, picks up on things very well, smiles all the time, only cries when he's hungry or tired and he sleeps like a champ MOST of the time. 

Outside of his CONSTANT puke fest, he's a dream baby. I think I'm reluctant to have another baby because I don't want a baby who cries a lot or one who never EVER sleeps. RJ slept through the night at five weeks old. Yes, he's being a monster right now about sleeping but, he's been a good baby overall. Let's be honest though, considering the struggle it was to get pregnant with RJ, I will be grateful to even have another baby. So don't get me wrong.

Anyways, I guess I just need to let anyone who reads this know that most of the reason why I write the posts complaining or whatnot - it's not because I think I have a terrible baby who is unreasonable, it's because becoming a mom has been a complete SHOCK for me. 

I have really struggled at feeling like I was meant for this. (I am not asking for sympathy or attention by saying that.) It doesn't come very natural for me to enjoy stages or phases.. I do feel a very strong bond with RJ but I also feel like that has grown as we have struggled together. It wasn't at first sight like I see other moms express. 

I used to feel bad that I hated my life every day as a new mom. Top it off with post partum depression...  I saw other moms expressing their love for their babies and making it look so easy to sacrifice so much for their little ones. It's hard for me to sacrifice, I'm a selfish person but I am also just not used to babies. I never really babysat growing up, I'm the youngest and my nieces and nephews lived in California and Wisconsin at this young age. I also never had my own pet or animal growing up either. I've always just sort of taken care of myself. This has been a giant change. It is for anyone though. 

Becoming a mom has been freaking hard. I look back at the first two months of RJs life and sort of just feel this heavy load. I remember feeling like it would never go away. Like there was never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. If I didn't enjoy the newborn phase then it was just never going to get better. I really felt that. 

Society has made us think things should be like they are in the movies or even on social media. That's complete and utter BS. Life, marriage, motherhood, all of that IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I don't believe in being a victim. I'll be honest, it's taken me six months of motherhood to even grasp some of that though.

I feel like I have a good handle on that in the other aspects of my life but motherhood threw me for a loop. 

I had a very inspired friend tell me the other day that she feels like the sacrifice of motherhood is probably one of the closest things to what the Savior did for us with his sacrifice. I believe her. And somehow hearing that from her made me feel this overwhelming sense of peace. I felt like there was purpose in me becoming a mom. And that it wasn't just to learn to love deeper or to bring another person into this world. 

It reminded me that there is a bigger world out there. A life after this one, a bigger purpose. More than just the little daily things that sometimes make me impatient and drive me nuts. I think the inner pain and struggle of motherhood is here to help us learn to rely on the Lord. To understand how he felt and know that we are not alone. To look to him in our darkest times and stay as close to him as we can. Yet, on those dark days I've had, that's the last thing I want to do. And he is still there waiting for me. And ready to help me. 

I guess what I mean here is that I know I'm not alone. I know I was given a baby that pukes non-stop so I can help someone else down the road when they experience similar situations. 

We don't go through trials to feel superior to others and have less empathy for them because our trial was harder. We go through trials to help others. I promise that someone in your life will need you, I have always felt this way. And being a mom has heightened that feeling!!! Maybe that's why I blog. Even if only five people ever read this, I hope it helps one person feel a little less alone. Even if you're not a mom.

It makes it a little bit easier to go through a trial knowing it will benefit someone else one day if I am in a space to learn everything I can and do my best. So, I will keep going and do the best I can. Every day I feel a little better about being a mom. 

A little bit at a time I feel like I have more knowledge and experience than the day before. I've learned to live one day at a time since I had RJ. And crap, I needed that more than anything. EVER. 

I look forward to the plethora of things I will learn in the next six months. 

Thanks for reading this! I know it's word vomit and a little random and all over the place. I just ALWAYS want to be REAL. Never fake or fluffy. So, sometimes that makes my posts random instead of well thought out and composed. 

Hash tag mom life

I'm sitting here in the parking lot of Good Earth doing something I'm sure many of you moms have done. You're lying if you haven't.

RJ has been in a super rad mood the last week or two and has been fighting sleep. Most of you know this because I posted it on FB and insta the other day when I lost my $h!t. Anyways, RJ cried all the way from Provo (thanks for the leggings Britta) to the Spanish Fork Good Earth and just before I pulled in he fell asleep. Of course!!! And there's no way in hell I'm moving his car seat and risking him waking up, he NEEDS sleep. So, I'm sitting here in my car in the parking lot, looking like a creeper to others, I'm sure.  

At this point I'll sit here as long as I need to. The other day I sat in my driveway for an hour for this same thing. I don't want this to become a habit for him to fall asleep in his car seat. But, sometimes as a parent you just have to survive a time or two. 

In mid October we decided it was time to train him to fall asleep on his own, without being held or rocked. It took several different methods for us. I read multiple books, blogs and sought advice from several friends. Finally, it boiled down to laying him on our ottoman swaddled up and he eventually put himself to sleep while we just went along with our day. It was bizzare. The cry it out method just wasn't what we ended up needing to do at that point. He trained himself like a champ without us even knowing that was all we needed to do was walk away and let him lie. 

I feel like every mom that I've talked to just says be consistent with whatever you do and he'll figure it out. We have honestly done that. Up until this past week he has taken naps super consistently and been on a time schedule  like a champ. But, somehow things have changed for him. And I just need to be OK with that. If I'm a mental case it won't get us anywhere. 

I feel like so many people say "you will look back on this and miss it." I'm sorry but seriously? That's just ridiculous. Tell me this, have any of you moms with older kids actually missed the CRAPPY times? No. No one misses the crap. Of COURSE I will miss the tiny cuddles and smiles and him learning and discovering so much. But, anyone who misses the crappy days is a lunatic. Even if you have a sassy teenager who talks back, that may make you miss when they couldn't talk. But, you still probably don't miss this part. Am I right? Maybe not. 

I honestly love RJ so much, I have loved watching him grow. He's been a delight aside from some minor sleeping issues right now and his constant puke. I think I'm just intolerant of EVERYTHING because I am sooooooo tired of always catching his puke, and doing a full load of laundry everyday. Between cleaning his three to four outfits, my two or three outfits, burp rags, washcloths, blankets, rugs, bibs and cleaning the car seat - oh, and his bottles... I sort of just want to lay down and have someone rub my feet and give me a high five for making it through one more day. 

Now, I know most of you have more than one baby... So you probably laugh at my issues and say "just wait until you have more than one" etc... But, this is my struggle and trial. It's hard for me. May not be for you. But for me this is my breaking point sometimes. So maybe I'm weak to you. But, I know I am strong and an awesome mom. And I really am doing my best. I just feel like some days this will never end. 

Thank heavens it will. I'm glad parenting comes in phases. Even the hardest of times will never last forever. And I'm grateful for this blog so I can just word vomit all of this and maybe help another mom feel like she's doing the right thing, too. 

I'm grateful the Lord sent RJ to us. At the end of each day I feel good knowing I've given RJ my best. That's all I can do. Oh, and pray A LOT. Seriously. All day.

I'm loving this week.

I need to freeze time. RJ is being such a sweet boy this past week. Yes, he has cried and puked just as much as he normally does. But, he has changed. He's growing and learning so much. He has been so snuggly and lovey. He knows I'm his mom and Chance is his dad. 

He reaches for us now. He wakes up so happy and squeaky. The noises he makes bring me so much joy. I know I can't freeze time so I have been enjoying every single second because who knows, the next post could be about what a terror he has been.

So, for now I just love him. He has opened my heart in ways I didn't know were possible. I've always hated cuddles and touchy feely moments. But, this sweet boy has changed me and reminded me how important it is to show the people we love some affection. 

So I will try better to be that way with those that I love. Mostly because when RJ does that to me I feel so special, and everyone deserves to feel that way. Even if we can all be idiots sometimes. 

Change

I have decided the only thing that is promised when you have a kid is CHANGE. Some days that is what I cling to, knowing this phase will end. Or, that he will grow out of this. And other days I am scared to death of what change is ahead. Nothing will ever be the exact same forever with RJ. He will constantly be changing. 

That's such a wonderful thing, really. But, also terrifying. Before I know it he will be walking and getting into every cupboard, throwing toys at me and learning new words to sass me with. And when I get used to that phase and feel like I have a handle on it, he will change again. 

That's the thing, just when I get a handle on his tactics and schedules it seems like he changes. He grows and learns more. I think it's amazing that I get to watch him learn SO freaking much before my eyes. 

I guess what's really important here is that I learn to accept change. It's important for us all to have change in our lives so we never get comfortable in just one thing. Otherwise, we never grow and learn. We never expand our experiences and find out what the world has out there. 

It's been a serious change for me to be a mom, but had I not moved to Canada and been forced out of my comfort zone like NO other... this would have been SO much harder. So, change really has helped me be a better mom to RJ. So I say we all try to embrace change. Look forward to it. Even if it makes us uncomfortable. Because sometimes being uncomfortable means we are learning. And there's only good that comes from that.