We're going going, back back to Canada!

If you can't find me on Facebook that is not because I unfriended or blocked you. So many of you have asked me that. I also got a new phone number. I don't hate you. :)

I decided to take a break from Facebook. Mostly because I was exhausted at all the political posts. Also, because of all the parenting articles that I couldn't stop reading on my feed. My lack of self control is clearly an issue here. Ha.Oh, and waiting for each picture perfect moment to post on social media for approval and show.  I was constantly feeling like I was doing everything wrong. I shouldn't discipline my son, I should go to church more often, I should feed my son organic food, home school him, exercise 4 times a day, act like I had a perfect life and knew what I was doing. I punished myself for failing every.single.day.

Well, cat is out of the bag guys. I have no idea what the hell I am doing. And you know what, I'm totally fine with that. Finally. And I am posting this to remind myself on the off days, that it is FINE to just be. It's okay to just be who I am, and not constantly push the limits. Or seek validation. Or be the best employee, mom, daughter, wife and friend. It is okay to give the middle finger to what I'm not doing.  I've spent most of my adult life chasing after what I want. All the while, I've totally freaking missed out on what I HAVE. Sounds so typical, but seriously. All along I thought that was what I am supposed to be. An overachiever. "Always improving". Ha.

More like "always falling short because I think I have to be perfect". Since when did it become acceptable to forget about the present and focus so much on the future?

And PS guys, if you feed your kid organic food, home school them, exercise 4 times a day and what not, high five. I will NEVER judge or look down on the way someone chooses to live their life or parent. This is just the list of things I felt pressured to do that weren't authentic for ME. 

After hitting a major wall in September, feeling like I had too much anxiety and stress that it would NEVER leave. I could never get better or feel better, I decided to simplify my life a bit and be present. Read The Power of Now. Life changing, like woah. I have it on audio book so I can listen to it while I drive or while RJ naps. It saves me. I LOVE it.

Amidst all of this, we received a phone call from Young Living (Chance's old job) asking for Chance to come back, and move to Canada again. I SWORE ON MY FREAKING LIFE that I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER move to Canada again.

Ha. As the Biebs says, never say never.

At this point in our life, I had been a stay at home mom with post-partum depression and a 6 month old who puked all day. I had been the full-time working mom of a toddler who got kicked out of daycare for being strong willed. (long story, but I can laugh about it now) I had been the mom who hung out with a friend to escape my life, because I made some crappy decisions I felt I could never be forgiven of. And I had been the hermit who hid from the people I love because I was too depressed to put on a fake face. Which to me, was so much worse than living in Canada.

I actually remember only the good times of living up there (beside the hellish giving birth part, which won't be a problem now. Ha). But, really I've grown up a bit and I see it all with a different light now days. We learned and grew SO much up there. Hell, we wouldn't even have had RJ if we didn't make the connections we had up there. We only scratched the surface compared to what we can do now.

Moving there now, will be what we make it. I can move up there with a bad attitude and create a negative experience,  OR we can move up there as a little family who gets to create an awesome life, no matter where we are. I'm sort of learning that life is what I make it. I am not a prisoner to anyone and don't have to rely on anyone else to make me happy. I get to choose that every morning when I wake up. Even if that means being happy with the ONE armpit I forgot to shave and yesterdays make up.

Some days I spend texting my best friend about how much my two year old makes me swear. Some days I text her about how much I love him and the cuddles he gives me. Other times, I try to talk to her on the phone and our kids scream in the background and we end up yelling at our kids instead of talking to each other. Then she consoles me and reminds me that I am a good mom.

Either way, I still am happy in those crazy moments. Because I'm grateful to only have one child to chase around (don't think I could handle more than one), he's healthy, his dad is his hero and my sweetheart, I am healthy and able to balance my life better. OH, and I am now a stay at home mom and love it. It is more than a full-time job without time off and pushes me to my limit often. But, it is so much more fulfilling than the job I had. And I workout every day. Who am I? What?!

Long, long story short... we are moving back to Calgary. We don't know when yet, likely February or March next year once we have Chance's work visa approved. (Bolded so you remember and don't ask me every time you see me.) Yep, I just said that.

I had my last day at work in late October. Being at home with RJ has allowed us to bond in a way I never imagined. I never thought I could open my heart up to someone the way I have with him. In that process, I've been able to see my husband in a different light as well. I love them both more than I ever thought I could. I thought I was broken, that I couldn't bond with people I loved because I was scared of loving them that much and losing them.

I am excited to live our lives with a lot more simplicity and quality time. I care a lot less about validation from anyone else other than myself. I know my inner strength and know that RJ will push the limits often. I am okay with that. I'd rather have him be a passionate, driven child. One day that will serve him. In the meantime it will teach me to master patience.

For now, he'll eat french fries, dog food, copy my curse words sometimes and watch Monsters Inc. 4 times a day until he's on to the next phase of his life. Yes, he attempts to eat dog food and sometimes succeeds oh and shit is his favorite word. Yep, I'm human. Ya'll with pets know what I'm talking about with the dog food. Don't you judge. They're sneaky little turkeys, these toddlers. RJ creates such a mess in total SILENCE. I need to master the silence skills he has. It amazes me.

Anyways, if you've lasted this long into my novel post, I salute you.


Love you all!