Hey guys, I'm back from the depths of hell. I SURVIVED!

So, I've had a lot of things happen in my life since my last blog post. Some of you are more aware of the details. But, I would say last year was by far the worst year of my LIFE. I sort of went into self destruction mode. I still had a lot of things I was holding onto from postpartum depression, and SOOOOOOOOOOO much other crap from my 30+ years on this earth. WOWZA. I boxed myself away from those who I was close to, and put myself in situations that were not safe or smart. I didn't want answers, or solutions. I wanted to just disappear and let it all figure itself out. Hadn't I been through enough in my life for a hall pass?! I felt very entitled to my pain, and really resented some people in my life because of it.

Then there came a day when I really hit the floor. That was MY version of the depths of hell. Where I realized I could lose EVERYTHING I had worked so hard for, the things I loved the most. I knew I could not keep going the way I was. Especially building up the giant walls around my heart. My son, husband and all of you guys deserve more of me than that. I'm freaking awesome, and I shouldn't hide away because of my stupid negative thoughts or fears.

Anyways, I am not sure exactly what happened to cause me to wake up and realize that it was time to take myself on and GROW. But, I am so glad I did. Mostly because my husband took the first steps and made some incredible improvements in his life. It really inspired me to see his happiness, and clear view on who he is and why he's here. I wanted that SO bad.

I felt like I really used to know who I was, and wasn't ashamed of it. I was proud to be the outgoing, loud, fun, silly person. I knew the influence I had on others, and loved touching lives. But, somehow along the way, I started to believe the people who told me I was too happy and positive get to my head.

I felt like they were making fun of me for being confident, clear, dedicated and outward. Like I should be inward, quiet, chill, non-emotional and not bother others. So, I sort of slowly became exactly that. I let my light die. Literally, die. There was hardly any light left, maybe embers. That lead to a stupid habit of people pleasing. Before I knew it, I was no longer the lighthearted Leslee I used to be. I didn't feel like I could make a difference in the world. I felt very small and useless. Who cares if I make mistakes, no one is watching anyways. I felt a lot of shame and self doubt. Pretty pathetic. But, don't feel bad for me. That is not what I'm expecting here.

I decided to take myself on and go to some life coaching type courses. This really lead to some incredible shifts in my life. If you want to hear more about that, call me! It changed my life, I let go of all the CRAP I was holding onto. My walls are coming down, and I finally recognize the triggers I have so I can handle them better when they come up for me. I know who I am, I know what  my purpose in this life is. And I create miracles every single day!

One day at a time, I am focusing on the things I can shift. And learning to let go of the things I do not get to shift, it is not in my hands.

One year ago I was taking a double prescription of anti-depressants and over 4 anti anxiety pills a day. Today, you guys,  I take ZERO. I was not cured, no magical powers healed me.

I HEALED ME. I faced my demons, faced my games, my lies, my masks. I faced the things I've done to hurt those I love, including myself. I faced my childhood drama, the things others have said that hurt me, and so much more. I chose to do that. ME. I realized I put a lot of the "hard stuff" I was facing, on myself. I all but created my trials by being so negative and so worry prone.

I am strong, much stronger than I have led myself to believe these last few years. I won't let my experiences take that away from me again. My marriage is healed, my relationship with my sweet son is SO much healthier than it was. Overall, I just know that I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to hang onto the crap that I was holding onto for SO long. It really is just that simple. I was just super SUPER complicating it.

I'm not afraid to speak up, to hug a stranger, to give eye contact. To share my gifts and talents with others, to provide service, to show up and follow through. I'm no longer afraid to be true to who I am. Even if it annoys you, or makes you crazy.

I have connected with Heavenly Father on a level I have never thought was possible. I'm so grateful I was able to wake up and see myself for who I really am. The adversary does not want us to see ourselves in our magnificence. He wants us to be shameful, afraid, shy, fearing, lack confidence, push others away and not connect. That is not the way to live life my friends!

I am here to promise you that you can count on me from here on out to be the best Leslee I KNOW that I am. I will never settle for less again. Ever. Most of the time that is easy to say when you have a bunch of "happy" experiences. Well, I haven't had those for a very long time. So, this comes from a sincere and honest place. This post comes from my heart. Which is finally accessible, and alive.

Life is to be ENJOYED not just endured, people! So, if you have a problem with my happy manner, my spontaneous dancing, joking around, encouragement, love and honesty... then you better check yo self. Ha Ha. I love you all!

SMILE at a stranger today. We all deserve a connection and even just a moment of peace. Cheesy cheese CHEESE. Freakin' deal with it.

-Leslee Lundgren