Wow, guys. It happened. I finally realized I've bonded with the little human that used to puke on me all day.
One year ago, I was trying to get settled into our new house in Utah. We had been back from Canada for just over a month. Reggie was almost 4 months old. I was EXHAUSTED with him puking up every single freaking ounce of milk he drank. EVERY TIME. I hated being a mom. HATED IT. I felt like my whole life I've been lied to about motherhood. Honestly, I felt like ya'll either fake it really well, or I was just a dark tortured soul. Because I hated every minute of my life. Only to find out five months later I had post-partum depression. (See a few posts back for more on that).
Crazy how things have changed over the last year. I actually love when RJ wakes up, I love hearing his cute little voice. I love LOVE LOVE how he boogies around when I jam to music while doing my hair straight. I love how he runs around the house flapping his arms up and down speaking his own language. I love how he gets into the bottom cupboard we left empty for him to play in. I love how he chills like a gangster in his little tikes car while he watches Sesame Street. I love how he farts SO loud that it makes us question who actually did it. I love that he pulls on my legs when he wants to go to bed and read a book. I love that he can entertain himself. I love that Chance does 50% of the work. He is so supportive and helpful as a father to RJ. I am blessed for that.
I NEVER thought I would have a list even half that long of things I liked about being a mom you guys. In fact, some days I still get into a funk and hate it. But, it's not really motherhood I have the issue with. It is adulthood. I was babysitting my friend Stacy's #thatredheadfriend kids the other night, and her son wanted to play Star Wars. I was tired and just wanted to play easy games where I didn't have to chase the kid around the whole house for two hours. Well, that is exactly what we ended up doing and I actually remembered that I had an imagination. I used to be that kid who wanted to play imaginary games and escape to a different world and conquer things. Being an adult has kind of taken that away from me. I guess I've just allowed it to happen.
I figure that when you get married, have kids and a full time job - that means you have to be serious and have your shit together. But, I really just don't think that is how it should be. NOT one piece of that sound like the life LESLEE wanted to live when I pictured my life as a little girl. So, that night as I played Star Wars with Boston for two hours straight, I learned to love him so much more than ever and I'm grateful he helped me come out of my "adult" zone and just have freaking fun. What is there to lose? Yes, I can be serious and professional at work. But, why not just LET GO and relax and enjoy my life when the time is right? What is so bad about that? I'm so uptight. And get to wound up in worrying about every stupid thing falling into place and everyone being happy. I just need to relax.
If RJ has taught me one thing, it is that I don't have very much control in my life. I can't really choose how things go down. Circumstances change, people move on, life keeps going with or without you. Then only thing I really can control is my attitude about it all. So, I promise you all - I will dedicate my thoughts to being more relaxed. Not worrying so much about things, and just letting life happen and creating FREAKING fun, awesome memories with my little family. Because RJ will be the only child I will have with this body of mine. We hope to adopt someday, but for now - we want to just have fun and be REAL. It is so liberating to be honest, real and just who you are around everyone.
Anyways, being a mom is hard. It's damn hard. But, I love RJ so much. I love Chance so much. I fail every single day, sometimes I fall pretty hard on my face and all but ruin my life. But, they are both still there to catch me. And I guess, that is just awesome. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. Or however that is said.
Lets just all chill out, not take things too serious and focus on what matters in that VERY moment. Not try to worry so much about tomorrow. Can you help me do that, please?
This has been my struggle as well. There are many times that I am in a funk more often than not and so when playtime comes, I make my play lazy. But I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteMy kids definitely remind me to loosen up.
I think most of us hit an age or event (like having kids) that cause us to feel like everything needs to be serious. Why? Who made that rule? Cuz we don't. Yes, at work, but otherwise, we need more-more-more play.