Robert Jeffrey - the J.

I wanted to talk about where RJ's name comes from. His two Grandpas. Chances dad, Robert and my dad Jeffrey. 

Here's a bit about my dad.

I'm watching one of my favorite movies called Dragonfly, with Kevin Costner. It's a movie about how a mans wife tries to send a message to him after she passes away, using dragonflies. 

Anyways, most people who know me get that dragonflies have always been my thing. Mostly because it reminds me of my sweet friend Megann who passed away when I was 18. And also my dad who died when I was six months old. 

When I am having bad days, or seeking answers it seems like I always see a dragonfly, whether it be in real life or a decoration. It's been a little sign for me! I would like to believe it's either my friend of my dad. Who knows. 

Anyways, I'm holding RJ in my arms right now as he sleeps and I watch this movie. He is sick and fussy. And so sweet when he sleeps. I can't help but think about the fact that I was exactly this age when my dad died. Just a teeny tiny six month old baby. It's not been easy but when I look at him, I feel this urge that he gives me new meaning in life. 

It makes me less angry with my dad. Strangely it helps me understand his frame of mind a little bit more. He was not even 30 years old and he took his own life. For most of my life I've wondered HOW you could go home to a brand new baby, let alone three other beautiful young kids, and then take your own life? I never understood it. I was angry. And confused! I felt unimportant and resentful. Not to mention how bad I felt for my poor 26 year old mom who was left with four kids under the age of five. 

But, I get it now. (Not because I'm suicidal, or angry.) I now understand that he was so sad, and lost and in a state of mind that ONLY the Lord can fully understand, that even the love for a newborn baby could not remove that dark cloud from him. He must have been in such a dark place to have thought we were better off. Mental illness is real, and should never be ignored or joked around with. Don't fake or threaten suicide for attention my friends. It's rude and selfish. And unless you've had someone close to you actually do it, you will only get defensive of that. Sorry. 

I never really talk about this. Most of my friends don't even know how my dad died or that he even did at all. Anyways, I guess having a son that is named after my dad (J for Jeffrey) was my way of telling him I am sorry and forgive him.  And that I want to give his name a new life, a new opportunity to start over and be better. 

Most people would think its a jinx or bad omen. But, when Chance suggested we name him Robert Jeffrey after our dads, I felt a chill come over me. Almost like my dad hugging me and saying he loved me. 

Anyways, I've always wanted to understand what happened that day when he passed away. I know I won't in this lifetime, but I do forgive him. And I love him, and I'm grateful to be a mom to RJ. Even on my worst days, I know the Lord has a bigger, better plan for us all. I can't wait to see him again.