We're going going, back back to Canada!

If you can't find me on Facebook that is not because I unfriended or blocked you. So many of you have asked me that. I also got a new phone number. I don't hate you. :)

I decided to take a break from Facebook. Mostly because I was exhausted at all the political posts. Also, because of all the parenting articles that I couldn't stop reading on my feed. My lack of self control is clearly an issue here. Ha.Oh, and waiting for each picture perfect moment to post on social media for approval and show.  I was constantly feeling like I was doing everything wrong. I shouldn't discipline my son, I should go to church more often, I should feed my son organic food, home school him, exercise 4 times a day, act like I had a perfect life and knew what I was doing. I punished myself for failing every.single.day.

Well, cat is out of the bag guys. I have no idea what the hell I am doing. And you know what, I'm totally fine with that. Finally. And I am posting this to remind myself on the off days, that it is FINE to just be. It's okay to just be who I am, and not constantly push the limits. Or seek validation. Or be the best employee, mom, daughter, wife and friend. It is okay to give the middle finger to what I'm not doing.  I've spent most of my adult life chasing after what I want. All the while, I've totally freaking missed out on what I HAVE. Sounds so typical, but seriously. All along I thought that was what I am supposed to be. An overachiever. "Always improving". Ha.

More like "always falling short because I think I have to be perfect". Since when did it become acceptable to forget about the present and focus so much on the future?

And PS guys, if you feed your kid organic food, home school them, exercise 4 times a day and what not, high five. I will NEVER judge or look down on the way someone chooses to live their life or parent. This is just the list of things I felt pressured to do that weren't authentic for ME. 

After hitting a major wall in September, feeling like I had too much anxiety and stress that it would NEVER leave. I could never get better or feel better, I decided to simplify my life a bit and be present. Read The Power of Now. Life changing, like woah. I have it on audio book so I can listen to it while I drive or while RJ naps. It saves me. I LOVE it.

Amidst all of this, we received a phone call from Young Living (Chance's old job) asking for Chance to come back, and move to Canada again. I SWORE ON MY FREAKING LIFE that I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER move to Canada again.

Ha. As the Biebs says, never say never.

At this point in our life, I had been a stay at home mom with post-partum depression and a 6 month old who puked all day. I had been the full-time working mom of a toddler who got kicked out of daycare for being strong willed. (long story, but I can laugh about it now) I had been the mom who hung out with a friend to escape my life, because I made some crappy decisions I felt I could never be forgiven of. And I had been the hermit who hid from the people I love because I was too depressed to put on a fake face. Which to me, was so much worse than living in Canada.

I actually remember only the good times of living up there (beside the hellish giving birth part, which won't be a problem now. Ha). But, really I've grown up a bit and I see it all with a different light now days. We learned and grew SO much up there. Hell, we wouldn't even have had RJ if we didn't make the connections we had up there. We only scratched the surface compared to what we can do now.

Moving there now, will be what we make it. I can move up there with a bad attitude and create a negative experience,  OR we can move up there as a little family who gets to create an awesome life, no matter where we are. I'm sort of learning that life is what I make it. I am not a prisoner to anyone and don't have to rely on anyone else to make me happy. I get to choose that every morning when I wake up. Even if that means being happy with the ONE armpit I forgot to shave and yesterdays make up.

Some days I spend texting my best friend about how much my two year old makes me swear. Some days I text her about how much I love him and the cuddles he gives me. Other times, I try to talk to her on the phone and our kids scream in the background and we end up yelling at our kids instead of talking to each other. Then she consoles me and reminds me that I am a good mom.

Either way, I still am happy in those crazy moments. Because I'm grateful to only have one child to chase around (don't think I could handle more than one), he's healthy, his dad is his hero and my sweetheart, I am healthy and able to balance my life better. OH, and I am now a stay at home mom and love it. It is more than a full-time job without time off and pushes me to my limit often. But, it is so much more fulfilling than the job I had. And I workout every day. Who am I? What?!

Long, long story short... we are moving back to Calgary. We don't know when yet, likely February or March next year once we have Chance's work visa approved. (Bolded so you remember and don't ask me every time you see me.) Yep, I just said that.

I had my last day at work in late October. Being at home with RJ has allowed us to bond in a way I never imagined. I never thought I could open my heart up to someone the way I have with him. In that process, I've been able to see my husband in a different light as well. I love them both more than I ever thought I could. I thought I was broken, that I couldn't bond with people I loved because I was scared of loving them that much and losing them.

I am excited to live our lives with a lot more simplicity and quality time. I care a lot less about validation from anyone else other than myself. I know my inner strength and know that RJ will push the limits often. I am okay with that. I'd rather have him be a passionate, driven child. One day that will serve him. In the meantime it will teach me to master patience.

For now, he'll eat french fries, dog food, copy my curse words sometimes and watch Monsters Inc. 4 times a day until he's on to the next phase of his life. Yes, he attempts to eat dog food and sometimes succeeds oh and shit is his favorite word. Yep, I'm human. Ya'll with pets know what I'm talking about with the dog food. Don't you judge. They're sneaky little turkeys, these toddlers. RJ creates such a mess in total SILENCE. I need to master the silence skills he has. It amazes me.

Anyways, if you've lasted this long into my novel post, I salute you.


Love you all!

Mom Anxiety - For the LOVE.

So, I just posted the quote below as my FB status. And, seriously it seems pretty far from possible somedays.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."  ~ Mark Twain


I've never felt more uptight, cautious or psycho in my LIFE. Having a 2 year old has seriously given me some gray hairs. I really have to get my sh*t together here.
If I could have it my way... RJ would be like this 24/7

Between him being independent and strong-willed, and my awesome tenancies to want to helicopter mom him... there are a lot of emotions at our house most of the time. Either I'm sitting there biting my nails, fighting the urge to do things for him, or RJ is throwing a fit at the top of the stairs because he wants to slide down them like a freaking slinky. 

I get that there is a fine line between keeping your children safe and straight up coddling them. I have yet to find that balance. But, I do know that I want RJ to be who he is. I want him to learn things for himself. I REALLY want for him to be self reliant and figure stuff out on his own. That is what my HEART wants. 

But my BRAIN really wants to carry him down the stairs, stand over him while he does ANYTHING to make sure he doesn't get hurt. I want to follow him around all day to catch things before they happen. Trust me, I know that is crazy and also semi-normal for most moms. 

The result of me doing these things for RJ is really hindering for him and exhausting for me. He won't learn to climb down the stairs, he won't learn how to do much of anything for himself. Also, I deserve to just relax and let the damn kid be a KID. 

Yet, I still choose to be an uptight helicopter mom. WHY?! I learned a few months ago that anxiety and excitement are basically the SAME emotion, your body doesn't know the difference. My mind wants to tell me it's anxiety and negative. But, my heart says I'm just excited that my cute little buddy is a curious kid. Yet, I feed the anxiety monster EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

So, I am vomiting it all out on this post right before we go on a campout. Because any outing gives me a stomach ache. 

Here's the thing, I know RJ can sense my fear and anxiety. It fuels him. I don't actually act on my helicopter mom feelings as often as I want to. But, it about kills me to sit there and watch him do all of this crazy stuff. So, I get to figure out how to shift my thoughts. If I can just take a deeeeeeeeeep breath and trust my son, I really know it will be better for the both of us. 

LESLEE GET IT TOGETHER! 

RJ having a fun time being a kid = freedom and happiness
Leslee chilling out and sending him TRUST = freedom and happiness

So, I am now going to focus on feeding the excitement instead of telling myself it's fear/anxiety and wanting him bubble wrapped with a helmet on. I get to trust my sweet boy, and let him LIVE. 

Also, I get to relax and be present so I can enjoy those moments. Even if they are not what I expected or planned. 

Any of you mom's who have this mom anxiety figured out, hand over the goods!

For now, I'll just listen to this song over and over. 

What happens in India...

I was able to go to New Dehli, India with my mom in May for her work. We attended a women's conference there where my mom received an award for all the incredible work she does for non-profit organizations and the example she is as a successful woman. I'm so proud of her.

I have really learned a lot about myself this year, as I mentioned in my last blog. Going to India really scared the crap out of me. I hate flying over water, I'm terrified of third world countries, I like personal space and I get homesick even when I'm a house away. And well, lets just say what happened in India didn't stay in India. I threw up on the plane ride home, and had stomach troubles for THREE weeks after. And did I lose any weight? NOPE. Ha. But, I learned that I can face my fears and come out stronger. So, chalk that up to one more thing I got to learn this year.

High five.

I also gained some friendships while in India with some remarkable women. Lucky me!

While we were in India, I shared a story with some women about my struggle with PPD. As a result of this, I was then asked to share a part of my post-partum depression story for a book about overcoming your past.

It took me a long time to send her my story. Every time I sat down to write it, I had a breakdown. I wrote a 4 page story the first time, read it out loud and felt like it was too heavy. I then waited a few weeks and wrote it all over again with a different tone. When I read that one out loud it just felt very robotic. More like a motivational speech, if I was a mom going through PPD I would not want a motivational speech. I really struggled finding the right way to share my story and inspire others without being Debbie downer. Also, writing about it brought up so many raw emotions I wasn't sure I wanted to feel again.

After composing four different versions, and about seven mental breakdowns... I sent her the first one I wrote. It surprises me that so many of those emotions are still so raw for me. I have been able to conquer the depth of hell that they call Post Partum Depression, but I will never forget the way it felt.

It's healthy to talk about it, and get it out. That is why I write this blog. I don't write here to get publicity or become a mommy blogger. I really just know that other moms struggle in silence and if you are one of them, and you're reading this... please read my whole blog and know that you are NOT alone. That is what really got through to me, was hearing other mom's stories. For so long I suffered in silence and never told anyone. The very moment I started talking about it is when things started to get better.

I feel selfish when I choose to be quiet about PPD and just let people live their lives. Sometimes it is hard for me to talk about it, so I feel like it's easier not to open up. But, I know I went through that so I could be a support to other moms who deal with this. Once I am able to, I will share the book I am going to be a part of. It is really an amazing project and will be a support to so many people, not just moms who went through PPD. It is a book about every situation in life, for all ages and walks of life. I'm really proud to be a part of it, and honored to have been asked to share my story.

I'm blessed to have friends and family who have never made me feel ashamed for this. I've always felt supported and loved. So, thank you.

Hey guys, I'm back from the depths of hell. I SURVIVED!

So, I've had a lot of things happen in my life since my last blog post. Some of you are more aware of the details. But, I would say last year was by far the worst year of my LIFE. I sort of went into self destruction mode. I still had a lot of things I was holding onto from postpartum depression, and SOOOOOOOOOOO much other crap from my 30+ years on this earth. WOWZA. I boxed myself away from those who I was close to, and put myself in situations that were not safe or smart. I didn't want answers, or solutions. I wanted to just disappear and let it all figure itself out. Hadn't I been through enough in my life for a hall pass?! I felt very entitled to my pain, and really resented some people in my life because of it.

Then there came a day when I really hit the floor. That was MY version of the depths of hell. Where I realized I could lose EVERYTHING I had worked so hard for, the things I loved the most. I knew I could not keep going the way I was. Especially building up the giant walls around my heart. My son, husband and all of you guys deserve more of me than that. I'm freaking awesome, and I shouldn't hide away because of my stupid negative thoughts or fears.

Anyways, I am not sure exactly what happened to cause me to wake up and realize that it was time to take myself on and GROW. But, I am so glad I did. Mostly because my husband took the first steps and made some incredible improvements in his life. It really inspired me to see his happiness, and clear view on who he is and why he's here. I wanted that SO bad.

I felt like I really used to know who I was, and wasn't ashamed of it. I was proud to be the outgoing, loud, fun, silly person. I knew the influence I had on others, and loved touching lives. But, somehow along the way, I started to believe the people who told me I was too happy and positive get to my head.

I felt like they were making fun of me for being confident, clear, dedicated and outward. Like I should be inward, quiet, chill, non-emotional and not bother others. So, I sort of slowly became exactly that. I let my light die. Literally, die. There was hardly any light left, maybe embers. That lead to a stupid habit of people pleasing. Before I knew it, I was no longer the lighthearted Leslee I used to be. I didn't feel like I could make a difference in the world. I felt very small and useless. Who cares if I make mistakes, no one is watching anyways. I felt a lot of shame and self doubt. Pretty pathetic. But, don't feel bad for me. That is not what I'm expecting here.

I decided to take myself on and go to some life coaching type courses. This really lead to some incredible shifts in my life. If you want to hear more about that, call me! It changed my life, I let go of all the CRAP I was holding onto. My walls are coming down, and I finally recognize the triggers I have so I can handle them better when they come up for me. I know who I am, I know what  my purpose in this life is. And I create miracles every single day!

One day at a time, I am focusing on the things I can shift. And learning to let go of the things I do not get to shift, it is not in my hands.

One year ago I was taking a double prescription of anti-depressants and over 4 anti anxiety pills a day. Today, you guys,  I take ZERO. I was not cured, no magical powers healed me.

I HEALED ME. I faced my demons, faced my games, my lies, my masks. I faced the things I've done to hurt those I love, including myself. I faced my childhood drama, the things others have said that hurt me, and so much more. I chose to do that. ME. I realized I put a lot of the "hard stuff" I was facing, on myself. I all but created my trials by being so negative and so worry prone.

I am strong, much stronger than I have led myself to believe these last few years. I won't let my experiences take that away from me again. My marriage is healed, my relationship with my sweet son is SO much healthier than it was. Overall, I just know that I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to hang onto the crap that I was holding onto for SO long. It really is just that simple. I was just super SUPER complicating it.

I'm not afraid to speak up, to hug a stranger, to give eye contact. To share my gifts and talents with others, to provide service, to show up and follow through. I'm no longer afraid to be true to who I am. Even if it annoys you, or makes you crazy.

I have connected with Heavenly Father on a level I have never thought was possible. I'm so grateful I was able to wake up and see myself for who I really am. The adversary does not want us to see ourselves in our magnificence. He wants us to be shameful, afraid, shy, fearing, lack confidence, push others away and not connect. That is not the way to live life my friends!

I am here to promise you that you can count on me from here on out to be the best Leslee I KNOW that I am. I will never settle for less again. Ever. Most of the time that is easy to say when you have a bunch of "happy" experiences. Well, I haven't had those for a very long time. So, this comes from a sincere and honest place. This post comes from my heart. Which is finally accessible, and alive.

Life is to be ENJOYED not just endured, people! So, if you have a problem with my happy manner, my spontaneous dancing, joking around, encouragement, love and honesty... then you better check yo self. Ha Ha. I love you all!

SMILE at a stranger today. We all deserve a connection and even just a moment of peace. Cheesy cheese CHEESE. Freakin' deal with it.

-Leslee Lundgren

I think I'm okay, thanks.

Well, I haven't really made this super public knowledge. But, I feel pretty strong tonight that I need to blog about it. I have had a lot of feelings the last two weeks and need to share them. Maybe so someone can reach out to me and help me feel a little more normal. Or perhaps, so someone can feel less alone in their struggle. 

I've been told by doctors since my First Lady exam that I will likely struggle having children. So, subconsciously I've never really allowed myself to become "baby hungry". Also, I never really did enjoy babysitting while I was growing up. I hated pets. Couldn't keep a plant alive, let alone a beta fish. So, honestly it took enough effort growing up just to take care of myself and worry about my mom. I was a major worry wort. Having a baby HEIGHTENED that. Holy hell, did it ever. Puke. Ah. 

Anyways, I guess I am saying that I never really have had a dream of a big family because I sort of knew it wouldn't happen. So, I've learned to enjoy my nieces and nephews, and my friends children. I soak in every moment I can. And I also try to become the "cool and fun" aunt. Duh. I had such a traumatic experience during childbirth with RJ that I honestly need therapy for PTSD. Sounds stupid but, I mean it. I have triggers that set off these insane anxiety attacks that no medication or meditation and oil can chill out. I've been working on it with my doctor and fellow naturalistic friends for 9 months now. One day at a time, I will get the hang of it. I need to do some sort of emotional release. Maybe I'll burn something that symbolizes the experience? I don't know. Maybe several things, over the next several years. All I know is, I will never stop trying. 

Seeing so many of my friends announce pregnancies and childbirth over the holidays was so awesome! I'm so happy for you all. It doesn't make me uncomfortable at all, we each have a plan from Heavenly Father - I do not doubt his plan for us. I know I have plenty of work to do on this earth that does not involve pregnancies and adopting a child. It has everything to do with raising RJ up in a home that's is based upon love, forgiveness, acceptance, HARD WORK, and self confidence. Also, I believe this world needs something I have to offer. That I couldn't give otherwise. I believe HF has a plan for Chance, RJ and me. Something special. And if we do our part, that will ring true. 

I said goodbye to my Uterus and Fallopian tubes two weeks ago. I feel healthier today than I have in a year. 

The people who I have come across that find out about it have been well, funny. Expecting me to be traumatized, and offer lots of sympathies. I would probably do the same to another random woman. But, you guys, spare me. I promise I'm okay. It's sad, I am sad. But just momentarily. I do not doubt Heavenly Fathers plan. Mourning too long would mean I doubt him. I have faith. We will be blessed in so many other ways. It could always be worse. Much worse. So, really, I am OKAY! I have lots of work to do, with my family. I won't let it stop me! 

Moving forward, my "story of me" won't be based upon no longer being able to have kids. I can't focus on that. It won't fix things, it won't change it. It just won't. 

Anyways, I guess having a somewhat major surgery this month has reminded me of what is important. And it's not about introducing yourself to people as someone with problems, victimize yourself. I think it's about helping THEM find their strength by your example. And listening to them and learning from their example! Which sometimes requires being brave and sharing your story. There's a balance there.

 And I'm blabbering away because I've been "taking it easy" for three weeks. Leslee doesn't do that very well. 🙋🏻

I guess I just want to type my word vomit so one day RJ or his wife can see this. And know that I loved my boy with all that I have. And man, does his daddy love him. I've never seen Chance love that way. It melts my heart. He is a true man. Just what I wanted growing up. 

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, some that would/could ruin everything I have worked so hard for. Maybe because I'm afraid to have the life I have always wanted. So I throw a trench in the way. Either way, I'm glad I have RJ and Chance on my side to grab my arm before I fly off the cliff. Oh, and the few friends I confide in during those times. I will never forget those of you who have never judged me, and been there. And know my truth, and trust me with yours. You know who you are and I love you, like woah.  

Me, me, me, me. This was all about me. But, maybe it will help you relate. And feel less alone or sad. Or whatever. Hey, maybe you'll just read this and think I'm a blab fest and need a nap. 

Yup, you're right. I do. Don't we all?

PS- I dare you not to smile. 

I love my kid! Who am I?

Wow, guys. It happened. I finally realized I've bonded with the little human that used to puke on me all day.

One year ago, I was trying to get settled into our new house in Utah. We had been back from Canada for just over a month. Reggie was almost 4 months old. I was EXHAUSTED with him puking up every single freaking ounce of milk he drank. EVERY TIME. I hated being a mom. HATED IT. I felt like my whole life I've been lied to about motherhood. Honestly, I felt like ya'll either fake it really well, or I was just a dark tortured soul. Because I hated every minute of my life. Only to find out five months later I had post-partum depression. (See a few posts back for more on that).

Crazy how things have changed over the last year. I actually love when RJ wakes up, I love hearing his cute little voice. I love LOVE LOVE how he boogies around when I jam to music while doing my hair straight. I love how he runs around the house flapping his arms up and down speaking his own language. I love how he gets into the bottom cupboard we left empty for him to play in. I love how he chills like a gangster in his little tikes car while he watches Sesame Street. I love how he farts SO loud that it makes us question who actually did it. I love that he pulls on my legs when he wants to go to bed and read a book. I love that he can entertain himself. I love that Chance does 50% of the work. He is so supportive and helpful as a father to RJ. I am blessed for that.

I NEVER thought I would have a list even half that long of things I liked about being a mom you guys. In fact, some days I still get into a funk and hate it. But, it's not really motherhood I have the issue with. It is adulthood. I was babysitting my friend Stacy's #thatredheadfriend kids the other night, and her son wanted to play Star Wars. I was tired and just wanted to play easy games where I didn't have to chase the kid around the whole house for two hours. Well, that is exactly what we ended up doing and I actually remembered that I had an imagination. I used to be that kid who wanted to play imaginary games and escape to a different world and conquer things. Being an adult has kind of taken that away from me. I guess I've just allowed it to happen.

I figure that when you get married, have kids and a full time job - that means you have to be serious and have your shit together. But, I really just don't think that is how it should be. NOT one piece of that sound like the life LESLEE wanted to live when I pictured my life as a little girl. So, that night as I played Star Wars with Boston for two hours straight, I learned to love him so much more than ever and I'm grateful he helped me come out of my "adult" zone and just have freaking fun. What is there to lose? Yes, I can be serious and professional at work. But, why not just LET GO and relax and enjoy my life when the time is right? What is so bad about that? I'm so uptight. And get to wound up in worrying about every stupid thing falling into place and everyone being happy. I just need to relax.

If RJ has taught me one thing, it is that I don't have very much control in my life. I can't really choose how things go down. Circumstances change, people move on, life keeps going with or without you. Then only thing I really can control is my attitude about it all. So, I promise you all -  I will dedicate my thoughts to being more relaxed. Not worrying so much about things, and just letting life happen and creating FREAKING fun, awesome memories with my little family. Because RJ will be the only child I will have with this body of mine. We hope to adopt someday, but for now - we want to just have fun and be REAL. It is so liberating to be honest, real and just who you are around everyone.

Anyways, being a mom is hard. It's damn hard. But, I love RJ so much. I love Chance so much. I fail every single day, sometimes I fall pretty hard on my face and all but ruin my life. But, they are both still there to catch me. And I guess, that is just awesome. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. Or however that is said.

Lets just all chill out, not take things too serious and focus on what matters in that VERY moment. Not try to worry so much about tomorrow. Can you help me do that, please?

The first year of motherhood. How it really went down!

I'll be honest, I didn't think I would survive one year of being a mom. Here are some honest blurbs about the first 12 months of his life. I am so grateful for my husband. I would not have made it this far without his help. I'm lucky to have a spouse who does so much for RJ and me. The list starts off so sad and negative, but it is so refreshing to look back and see how much growth has come from the trials of motherhood. It ain't pretty, but man is it SO WORTH it. I have grown into a person I never thought I could be. I've learned to love and appreciate my husband more than I ever did before. And, as hard as it is to put my trust in the Lord, I am always glad I did.

Reggie's life
Month ONE - I remember thinking to myself "what did I just sign up for?!" Anxiety MANIA.
Month TWO - I was overwhelmed with anxiety, wanted to chop my boobs off and stop this baby from puking every ounce of his food all over.
Month THREE - I cried every single day. I wanted to figure out why he was puking so much, and I wanted SO BAD to move back to Utah.
Month FOUR - We finally moved back to Utah. I finally came to terms with not breastfeeding anymore. I stopped caring that other people made me feel bad about that. My life had a light at the end of the tunnel.
Month FIVE - My baby was still a PUKE machine. 3% weight, not growing at all. I was so worried for the kid. I still had no idea what I was doing. And I hadn't really "bonded" with RJ yet. I was beginning to wonder when that would happen.
Month SIX - I came to terms with the puke machine. I learned to wrap myself in blankets if I had a cute outfit on, I packed several outfits for myself and RJ everywhere we went. I was not going to let it stop me! RJ was gaining a little bit more weight, in the 14% this time!
Month SEVEN -  BEST month ever. I bonded with RJ. He slept through the night, 10 hours. He laughed. He looked at us like he knew who we were. He STOPPED PUKING!!!!!!! And was in the 25% for weight.
Month EIGHT - My sweet boy became my buddy. I finally got help for post-partum depression. Chance and I looked forward to making fun memories with him, and he kept growing and never puked.
Month NINE - Still no teeth. Ear infection mania. Croup. And lots of days missing work because he was sick. Quite frustrating compared to month seven. Starting to figure out that these kid-thingys don't really stick to anything for too long. Which can be a good and bad thing.
Month TEN - EAR TUBES! Best invention ever. More croup, though. But, who cares! The kid was ear infection free, and has been since. Also, weighing in at the 45%! BOO-YAH. Crawling, and pulling himself up all the time.
Month ELEVEN - Still no teeth. WTH? More fevers, and colds. Poor kid got sick a lot this spring. But, he was still happy as ever and all over the place. I felt like I was finally getting the hang of this "mom" stuff. I had bonded with RJ, and Chance. I felt like for the first time in my life I actually became the person I always knew I was. I have conquered so many fears, learned so many TOUGH lessons, and started to appreciate the little things in my life that I took for granted so many times over.
Month TWELVE - TEETH. Man, I love this kid. He is so much fun. He is into everything, makes a mess, laughs a LOT, and makes us feel so special. I can't wait to watch him grow up into a little man. He is a constant reminder of chance, and the importance of showing love and affection. I love my sweet, sweet boy!!! Being a mom, it's so much better than it was before. It is still SO hard, but I fell so much stronger with the support I have and the faith I have gained. I will be okay. I can do this.

<3

I write this for all of you new moms. If you have felt any of these feelings, DON'T feel bad. It is normal. It is OKAY. You will make it. You can do this. IF I ever have any other babies, I will need to read this to remind me to SURVIVE the first few months. And not judge motherhood by those times.

I have some awesome friends who are moms, and they make me feel so much better about life when I vent to them. It saves me so many days. I can text them in my crazy moments of anger or frustration and they tell me they went through it, too. I LOVE that part of being a mom. I love that I have a group of incredible women surrounding me and supporting me. I hope I can do the same for them.

Word to ya mother.

It's been a while. On purpose, I swear.

So, I've written this post about three times and never published it. This is my fourth attempt. I may never even publish this one. Who knows! I guess if you're reading this, then I did. Ha.

I really have so much I could say about this topic. And I am more than happy to talk with ANY of you about it in a more private setting. Because I understand the feeling of wanting to be private about this. However, I have felt for a very long time now that I can maybe help someone else if I am open about my situation and feelings. So, I make this not-so-very-private blog post about something very personal to me.

When I was pregnant I was warned about postpartum depression. The day I had the baby, they had a social worker stop by the hospital room and give me several pamphlets about PPD because I had a VERY small history of depression (I'll explain in a bit). Then, the NAZI breastfeeding nurses that came to my house a few times the first week at home even shoved some PPD info down my throat.

Really, I just sat and laughed at them. Thinking.... really guys? Wow, is this that serious that you have to be so heavy about it? Holy crap. Give me a break. I will be just fine. I just had a baby, everyone I see talks about how much they LOVE their new baby more than they could ever imagine and how it's worth it. So, lay off of me ladies! I'll be JUST FINE...

First let me tell you that my dad had a mental illness that he was on medication for. He had several surgeries and was taking medications for the pain as well. This ultimately resulted in his suicide before the age of 30. Then when I was 17, my very close friend committed suicide. This brought me into a weird funk where I slept all day and was pretty sad about my life. Looking back now, I wasn't even really depressed. I was just a typical teenager who was lost and had made a few choices that weren't very smart that led to unhappiness. My family doctor put me on several different anti-depressants trying to help me actually wake up every day. All of them made me feel like a robot. I hated them. I eventually made some lifestyle changes, went to some college and felt like I was of some worth to the world. MANY of the people who are reading this were very crucial friends whom I met along that way and led me back to sanity. I'm so grateful.

About a week after I had RJ is when things started to get crazy. I blamed most of it on "baby hormones" and the fact that I had a baby who literally puked every single ounce of milk all over me all-freaking-day. All I wanted to do was fix it, make it stop. I couldn't. I was realizing that motherhood meant I have no control really on the outcome of MANY things in my life now. OY OY OY OY OY.

I had the worst anxiety I thought I could ever possibly feel. Every night. I had RJ sleep in his bassinet beside my bed and I would literally hold my hand on his chest all night to feel him breathing. I drove my husband insane, I'm sure. Even typing about this makes me get a rash on my chest from the anxiousness it brings.

Then one night, when RJ was about one month old - I went in and gave him to Chance. I went in the other room with the lights off and cried harder than I probably ever have. I said to myself "what the hell did I just get myself into?" I didn't want to be a mom anymore. It was just too much. Too much responsibility, too many emotions and WAY too much love that I just didn't even know what to do with. How was I going to do this? I was so confused and felt like an absolute disaster. I've never felt so out of control in my life.

I then told myself that "as soon as we moved back to the states and home to Utah, where my family is... that everything would feel better." I even had a few friends send me inspired messages without even knowing what I was really going through. Those small moments kept me hanging on.

Sadly, after we moved back it just seemed to keep getting worse. I would try and do things that used to make me feel happy inside and they just didn't work. Like the sand dunes, camping, shopping, lunch dates with girlfriends, time with my mom, dates with Chance. Nothing worked. I still felt totally empty and out of control. I had Priesthood blessings, prayed ALLLLL DAY LONG. I even had enormous amounts of faith that there was a reason I was dealing with these weird feelings I didn't understand. All the while, NONE of my friends knew I was struggling with this as bad as it was.

I felt like I was strong enough to just make the mental choice to FIGHT this. So one day in September I decided that I would wake up every day and get ready. Even if it meant changing into different pajamas... that I would change my clothes! Brush my hair, put make up on.. do something to feel like I am doing something for myself. Still, nothing helped.

When I look back at my first 7 months of motherhood, I don't think of good memories. I think of the times I would be driving down the road and think to myself "I would be totally okay with it, if that diesel truck just ran into me."

I never felt like I was worth anything. I didn't feel like I was doing special "work" or the most important job, or whatever everyone tells you motherhood is supposed to be like. I felt like I was invisible and had ZERO control over anything in my life. I had become so negative about everything and never wanted to see any of my friends. I felt like this whole parenting this was just a  LIE.

Those feelings listed about just now... THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!!

I am usually a very positive person, you know this. I LOVE my friends. And every person is important and has great value and worth. I have always known that. And never doubted the trials the Lord hands me. I have always had great faith knowing that when I receive a trial, it is because I am supposed to learn all that I can and then help others. Because we all need to understand each other a little more, and have empathy. I believe that is why we have these trials. So we can better understand each others feelings. AS cheesy as that sounds.

It finally hit me a few months ago that I was not myself, and that it wasn't okay to feel this way. I had given it a very honest effort of doing this on my own. I was prideful and did not want to open up to my friends and reach out, let alone my family. I did now want to become the sad case... I don't want sympathy. I just want to be happy. I don't want to sulk, I want to rejoice. I have been feeling so lost. I almost don't even remember who I used to be. Now I just feel like a washed up ungrateful SOB.

I say that because SO many of my remarkable friends would give anything just to have a healthy baby under their care. So, I am sure many of them are laughing at me.

Throughout most of this process over the last 10 months, I have never really taken PPD seriously. Until I was getting my hair done and another mom there mentioned something about PPD that sparked me. It was the day after I said a very sincere prayer asking for someone to help me. Someone to give me an answer for what I need to do to shake this. Because clearly whatever I had been doing, wasn't working. I told this other hairdresser/mom that I was in such a dark place that I didn't even care if I died, now , I would never commit suicide but if I got in an accident I would not care. (Without the baby in the car, duh.) and she all but cried with me. She asked me if I had seen a doctor about it, and I had not. Maybe it was pride, or the fact that I hated antidepressants. Also, I don't usually take any prescriptions. I did my post-c-section without any pain meds. I didn't want to have to take a pill to feel something or get addicted to it. But, she told me about her similar experience and begged me to at least go talk to my doctor.

I AM SO GLAD I listened to that familiar stranger at the salon. I went to my doctor, was able to find a very low dose medication that removed the bad. I now feel normal again, in fact, I feel like the LESLEE I was when Chance and I were dating. I feel alive again. Not stimulated, no robot feeling, just Leslee. I feel like I can win at life again. I feel like I want to create fun memories with my family again. And I remember the dark cloud to be a bit farther away. There is NO SHAME in asking or help. and accepting it.

My dear friends, I know many of you struggle with depression or anxiety. Whether related to babies, marriage or just life in general. This stuff is REAL. Please do not let your pride get in the way of the help you need. Do not be afraid to reach out and talk to your trusted friends. They will help you. Pray for special guidance and have unwavering faith that the Lord will guide someone to you with answers. Do your best, he will never leave you alone.

The main lesson I have learned throughout all of this, and why I even made it through to type this today.... is because I was able to recognize early on, that any of those sad, anxious, angry, outrageous feelings and thoughts I was feeling - are not from our Heavenly Father. Nope, they're just NOT. He would not want us to feel any of those feelings. In fact, he's there to help relieve them and remove them.

Once I was able to see that it was not feelings from my Father in Heaven, I felt like I had a little more control over it. It was in my hands to just have faith, and press forward. No matter how hard it may be.

Please know this - if you are reading this - you are important to me. I need my close friends more than I ever have before. I have plenty of amazing friends, and I am so grateful. I want to be there for you like you have been for me.

I hope you all know that if you are struggling with anxiety, depression, loss, mental illness, postpartum depression or anything of that sort, please know that you can talk to me. I will never judge you, I will never force my opinion on you. I will just listen and be here for you!

NO ONE deserves to feel even an ounce of what I've been feeling for the last 10 months. Please get help if you need it, don't be prideful. Take care of yourself, you can't be a wounded healer.

I am here for you. Forever.

Leslee Lundgren

Winning at life today

So, I realize this is me doing two posts in one day. BUT - I am on one today.

I remember being pregnant and telling people how bad my "pregnancy brain" was.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

And then there came MOM BRAIN.

Mom brain is real my friends. And OH so much worse than pregnancy brain. I sort of feel like this...

If you haven't seen this movie - google the scene. You won't regret it. Or click here...

I feel like a LUNATIC. I'm preaching to the choir here. Most of you either feel this way, feel worse that this or know what it's like. I'm amazed I remembered to put deodorant on BOTH pits today.

I had an OB appointment today to get an IUD and of course - didn't take the time to shave my legs because well, it's winter. And what happens? The hot medical student doctor gets to come to my appointment. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Good thing I'm married, but don't act like you wouldn't be freakin' about that, too.

THEN, last night as I was driving home I caught myself falling asleep two times. I still managed to end up at my relief society activity (high five) and partially fell asleep during the prayer. I'm sort of a zombie. There have been days I don't even remember what I did.

I sometimes get out of the shower and realize I still have conditioner in my hair.
I sometimes get out of the shower and realize I only shaved one arm pit.
I sometimes lotion one leg and walk away.
I sometimes/ALWAYS make plans and forget about them an hour later. (sorry everyone)
I sometimes realize the other moms who post about how productive they are sometimes need to GET REAL
I sometimes feel like high five-ing myself for NEVER staying in my pajamas all day. I make sure I get dressed no matter what.
I sometimes text Jessica Tuttle and tell her happy Tuesday on a Wednesday. (oops)
I sometimes have days where I feel like I am winning at life, and today wasn't one of them.

I used to have my $h!t together. Then I had a baby. Now my brain is fried, and who knows where. I'm all over the place, and sleep deprived. And I have a GOOD sleeper. I just sleep like crap and waking up at 5:30 every day - even with a nap - is NOT something I was born to do.

Then this happened.....

YUP - that is pee all over the blanket and ottoman. Oh, and it got all over me too. I thought we were past this stage. He hasn't done that since he was a newborn. PS - how about Tucker watching the pee come out? BWAH. 

I guess I just feel extra RAD today. We all have those mom-brain moments, if you're a mama. I'm glad my fellow mom friends don't judge me when I have these days. 

High fives to us all. Moms or not, as a lady we have LOTS going through our minds. So, I appreciate every little thing that gets accomplished each day because of how rad my brain is. 

DIY Baby Food Tips

So, I made a MESS of my kitchen last week trying to make baby food for the first time. I did a ton of research on Pinterest for recipes, tips and more. But, NONE of them really told you the stuff I learned that day. So, hopefully this one will even it all out.

There's plenty of ways to do this, so I'm sure as I keep making food for RJ I will have more tips. Such is life. But, here is the few things I learned and what I did.

First, I bought organic veggies from the store. I buy organic because I have a puker who tends to have food issues. And because I love Good Earth! But, even Wal Mart/Maceys (Target?) has an organic section if you don't want to have to shop at two different stores. RJ loves sweet potatoes, avocado and carrots. I would say this method didn't really break down his food to the 4 month old mush type food. So, I would say this is probably safer for 6 month olds, since it ends up a little thicker.

I bought the following items from Wal-Mart and Amazon.com to get started:

*Infantino Fresh Squeeze Pouches (these are AMAZING) -Wal Mart & Amazon have them at the same price. I love the quality of them, and the one I bought at Wal Mart came with the pump to add the food to the pouches. And on Amazon you can buy just the pouches (50 for $12.99). So, you HAVE to buy the pump/syringe thing to go with these, or you'll hate your life. My first kit I got came with like 25 pouches and the pump for $10. Buy the cute little spoon attachments too!

*Cube Freezer Trays obviously it doesn't need to be fancy like this - but they're cheap so why not? I did find that it is a ROYAL pain to get the food out of these after they're frozen. Kind of a pain, so I would go with pouches instead of these. Seriously. I swear the Pinterest articles LIE, this is not an easy method for my type. Ha. I froze them, then broke them out (swore a lot in the process) and then put them back in a tupperware and in the freezer. Then I just grab a cube when I'm ready to feed him and let it thaw. Kind of annoying. The pouches you can just throw in a cup of hot water to thaw. So, I'm not a HUGE fan of this method.

*A super awesome food processor  I won't link this one because I am sure there's better processors than what I have. I have the Ninja food processor and blender mix and it worked just fine!

So, that is all I purchased to get things started. Then I did this...

Avocados

I just mashed up the avocados and put about 1/2 cup water in the bowl and then stuck it in the freezer cubes and BAM, you're done. I'm sure there's other fancy ways of doing this.

Sweet Potatoes & Carrots 

I started off by peeling them, and throwing them in a pot of water to boil for a bit. I did the avocados while these boiled. Then I put them in the food processor with about 1 cup of water - ish. Then, I put them in the syringe/pump and BAM right into the pouches.

I found one bag of carrots filled about 10-12 of the pouches and 4 sweet potatoes filled like 15 pouches. RJ eats 1 pouch a day so really, it is a great deal!

I'm not a pro at ANYTHING. So, these are all rookie tips from ONE time of making food. So, take it for what it's worth. I went through tons of dishes, and found that my blender SUCKS for making baby food and to stick to my food processor. Ha. Maybe that is common knowledge, but I'm awesome like that.

I would LOVE to hear your tips if you've done this before. I also realized afterwards that it might taste yummy to add coconut oil to some of these? Who knows. Tell me what you do!

Ready, go!

I can't live without...

So, I usually post from my phone so I don't really take the time to link to sites or whatever. I've wanted to write a post about some items I can't live without. Before I do, let me preface with the fact that EVERY baby is different. And what may work for one, totally sucks for another.

RJ had had MAJOR feeding issues since he was born so we've been able to play guinea pig for so many random things and just make our own schedules with stuff. I found that when I was looking for answers with him, we never really found them. We just sort of flew by the seats of our pants and survived. But, a few of our awesome friends have suggested some SWEET products that have been game changers for us. So, maybe me posting a list of things we love will help other moms out there find solutions. Or at least find another thing that doesn't work. It's important to check things off that list, too.

Here are my top 10 MUST HAVES at our house and the reasons why (not in order of faves):

1) Podee Hands Free Bottle System - I'm telling you right now, if you don't have at least ONE of these bottles, you are missing out. We initially bought this hoping it would help with RJ's constant PUKE FEST. But, it didn't. It is supposed to help with gas, and it seems to! But, he's never been a super gassy baby. Anyways, you should see the LOOKS I get from everyone in public when we are feeding him from these bottles. It's classic. However, this bottle has made my life so much easier. We can feed him in the carseat, while I'm in the shower... or doing my hair straight. It is amazing. And for those "special" moms who want to hold their baby EVERY time they feed them, you can still do that, too. Don't worry... I'm not a neglectful mom just because I LOVE me a hands free bottle. Who doesn't want a few feedings a day where you can get stuff done at the same time. I sure a crap do!

*Tip for this product* Cleaning this bottle system sucks and makes for lots of sterilizing and dishes. Also, if you already have 8 oz bottles, just buy their "Convert a bottle kit". Saves you a few bucks!

2) Merlins Magic SleepSuit - This has been a lifesaver for us. RJ initially hated being swaddled. Then at about 1-2 months old he was swaddled with the Aden and Anais muslin blankets (which RULE). Well, that didn't last long because he was apparently THOR in another life. He busted out of them like a bandit. So, we gave the velcro ones by Summer Infant SwaddleMe a try. Man, those SAVED our life for several months. Then, he started escaping those. He's Houdini. I swear. Anyways, our awesome friend suggested the Merlin's Magic SleepSuit and after a few nights (and LOTS of laughing) he did awesome with it. It took a few naps to adjust and he can still move his arms a bit, but overall he has figured it out! We're SO grateful the swaddle transition was not as bad as it started out, thanks to this!

3) Nosefrida -  This sucker (pun intended) is sort of how you initiate yourself into the "Mom Club". I mean, who doesn't want to use their mouth to suck the boogers out of their kids nose? It freaks my husband out, he won't do it. Anyways, this thing is MAGIC. I promise you won't get even a taste of a boog. Trust me. It's amazeballs.

4) Chatbooks - OK if you don't know about Chatbooks you are missing out. This handy dandy app you download on your phone synchs to your Instagram. And for $6 it automatically mails you these cute little books of 60 pages of your insta. Or you can go in and create your own outside of that. I love this because it scrapbooks RJ's life for me since that is 90% of what I post on there anyways. You can edit your captions from the app and it will even print the date you posted them. Or you don't even have to print the date and caption. We love these books! We printed additional copies for grandparents for Christmas and they were a HIT. You can't go wrong! They do all the work for me. High five Chatbooks.

5) Hands-Free Pumping Bra - Now, I only breastfed for about a month but, while I did - and was a pumping machine.... this bra was HEAVENLY. However, don't go spending $60. My husband is so thrifty that he took an old sports bra from wal-mart and cut two small holes in the nips. WALAH. Either way, having one of these bad boys was awesome.

6) Dr. Brown's Forumla Mixing Pitcher - All of you formula feeding mama's out there now what a pain it is to shake the bottles and mix stubborn formula. So, I have quite the RAD system down for my daily bottles. I sanitize the bottle nipples and the Podee cords while I'm mixing the formula and cleaning the kitchen. The formula we use gets super bubbly when we mix it so I usually let it sit for a couple of minutes before I pour it anyways. But, this pitcher has made bottle making SUPER easy. I make 6 bottles a day for RJ in the morning and this helps me so much. I love it! I wish they made them a little bit bigger. This one holds 32 oz of liquid and spills over if you get too crazy with the blending. So, it would be nice to see a bigger version. But, overall I love this! I was using my blender and it made SUPER bubbles of our formula and still left a few clumps of powder. And this mixes it just right and doesn't get super bubbly.

7) Breatheable Mesh Crib Liner - As a first time mom I was worried about all of the things you hear about how "crib bedding can suffocate your child". So, we bought this and it it awesome! I thought it would look WT but it doesn't! It took a few choice swear words to put on the crib but, it's done.

8) Amazon Prime -  SO worth the money. You can buy pretty much any of your mom needs (or use amazon mom) without leaving the house. Amazon prime gets you free 2 day shipping, which almost everyone knows unless you've been living under a rock. Pretty much everything on this list is an item I've purchased off of there. Mostly because you can read reviews from other parents. And again, so I don't have to leave my house.

9) Costco Diapers & Wipes -  When RJ was a newborn the ONLY diapers that we used were the Pampers Swaddlers. LOVED them. But, once he hit size 1 we went to Kirkland. I have done my shopping and this is the best quality for the best price. OF course, it is Costco. And the wipes are great! Every kid is different so these may not work for yours.. but we are  super happy they do for RJ. His formula is so expensive we're happy to save a dollar anywhere we can.

10) The Mormon Channel App - Since I used to work for Mormon.org, I've pretty much seen all of those video 100 times. So, if you aren't me - then you can download that one too! But, when I'm having a mommy breakdown I try to watch videos on there. I love Mormon Messages. I always seem to find one that speaks to me that day. Even if it's one I've seen ten times, I hear a different message. I can't do this mommy stuff alone and I need the spirit to give me patience and perspective. Religious or not, this is an awesome app for anyone! There's tons of GOOD content. I am terrible at reading my scriptures, so this is sort of my spiritual food most days.

I'm sure I've left out things that I like even more than some of these. BUT, it's what came to my mind. I'm sure as RJ gets older the list will go on!

What are some things you can't live without and why?

Robert Jeffrey - the J.

I wanted to talk about where RJ's name comes from. His two Grandpas. Chances dad, Robert and my dad Jeffrey. 

Here's a bit about my dad.

I'm watching one of my favorite movies called Dragonfly, with Kevin Costner. It's a movie about how a mans wife tries to send a message to him after she passes away, using dragonflies. 

Anyways, most people who know me get that dragonflies have always been my thing. Mostly because it reminds me of my sweet friend Megann who passed away when I was 18. And also my dad who died when I was six months old. 

When I am having bad days, or seeking answers it seems like I always see a dragonfly, whether it be in real life or a decoration. It's been a little sign for me! I would like to believe it's either my friend of my dad. Who knows. 

Anyways, I'm holding RJ in my arms right now as he sleeps and I watch this movie. He is sick and fussy. And so sweet when he sleeps. I can't help but think about the fact that I was exactly this age when my dad died. Just a teeny tiny six month old baby. It's not been easy but when I look at him, I feel this urge that he gives me new meaning in life. 

It makes me less angry with my dad. Strangely it helps me understand his frame of mind a little bit more. He was not even 30 years old and he took his own life. For most of my life I've wondered HOW you could go home to a brand new baby, let alone three other beautiful young kids, and then take your own life? I never understood it. I was angry. And confused! I felt unimportant and resentful. Not to mention how bad I felt for my poor 26 year old mom who was left with four kids under the age of five. 

But, I get it now. (Not because I'm suicidal, or angry.) I now understand that he was so sad, and lost and in a state of mind that ONLY the Lord can fully understand, that even the love for a newborn baby could not remove that dark cloud from him. He must have been in such a dark place to have thought we were better off. Mental illness is real, and should never be ignored or joked around with. Don't fake or threaten suicide for attention my friends. It's rude and selfish. And unless you've had someone close to you actually do it, you will only get defensive of that. Sorry. 

I never really talk about this. Most of my friends don't even know how my dad died or that he even did at all. Anyways, I guess having a son that is named after my dad (J for Jeffrey) was my way of telling him I am sorry and forgive him.  And that I want to give his name a new life, a new opportunity to start over and be better. 

Most people would think its a jinx or bad omen. But, when Chance suggested we name him Robert Jeffrey after our dads, I felt a chill come over me. Almost like my dad hugging me and saying he loved me. 

Anyways, I've always wanted to understand what happened that day when he passed away. I know I won't in this lifetime, but I do forgive him. And I love him, and I'm grateful to be a mom to RJ. Even on my worst days, I know the Lord has a bigger, better plan for us all. I can't wait to see him again. 

Six months of being a mom. I survived!

Six months ago I was screaming at the top of my lungs in a hospital bed, having been in labor for over 24 hours. At around midnight they finally decided to do an emergency C section. And at 2:45 am on the 22nd RJ was born! Wow. I kind of am amazed at myself for making it this far and only have had about five total mental breakdowns. And hey, my marriage is getting stronger every day. 

I feel like I need to clarify something... I don't think I have this "awful terribly hard baby". He's actually a very good baby. He's smart, picks up on things very well, smiles all the time, only cries when he's hungry or tired and he sleeps like a champ MOST of the time. 

Outside of his CONSTANT puke fest, he's a dream baby. I think I'm reluctant to have another baby because I don't want a baby who cries a lot or one who never EVER sleeps. RJ slept through the night at five weeks old. Yes, he's being a monster right now about sleeping but, he's been a good baby overall. Let's be honest though, considering the struggle it was to get pregnant with RJ, I will be grateful to even have another baby. So don't get me wrong.

Anyways, I guess I just need to let anyone who reads this know that most of the reason why I write the posts complaining or whatnot - it's not because I think I have a terrible baby who is unreasonable, it's because becoming a mom has been a complete SHOCK for me. 

I have really struggled at feeling like I was meant for this. (I am not asking for sympathy or attention by saying that.) It doesn't come very natural for me to enjoy stages or phases.. I do feel a very strong bond with RJ but I also feel like that has grown as we have struggled together. It wasn't at first sight like I see other moms express. 

I used to feel bad that I hated my life every day as a new mom. Top it off with post partum depression...  I saw other moms expressing their love for their babies and making it look so easy to sacrifice so much for their little ones. It's hard for me to sacrifice, I'm a selfish person but I am also just not used to babies. I never really babysat growing up, I'm the youngest and my nieces and nephews lived in California and Wisconsin at this young age. I also never had my own pet or animal growing up either. I've always just sort of taken care of myself. This has been a giant change. It is for anyone though. 

Becoming a mom has been freaking hard. I look back at the first two months of RJs life and sort of just feel this heavy load. I remember feeling like it would never go away. Like there was never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. If I didn't enjoy the newborn phase then it was just never going to get better. I really felt that. 

Society has made us think things should be like they are in the movies or even on social media. That's complete and utter BS. Life, marriage, motherhood, all of that IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I don't believe in being a victim. I'll be honest, it's taken me six months of motherhood to even grasp some of that though.

I feel like I have a good handle on that in the other aspects of my life but motherhood threw me for a loop. 

I had a very inspired friend tell me the other day that she feels like the sacrifice of motherhood is probably one of the closest things to what the Savior did for us with his sacrifice. I believe her. And somehow hearing that from her made me feel this overwhelming sense of peace. I felt like there was purpose in me becoming a mom. And that it wasn't just to learn to love deeper or to bring another person into this world. 

It reminded me that there is a bigger world out there. A life after this one, a bigger purpose. More than just the little daily things that sometimes make me impatient and drive me nuts. I think the inner pain and struggle of motherhood is here to help us learn to rely on the Lord. To understand how he felt and know that we are not alone. To look to him in our darkest times and stay as close to him as we can. Yet, on those dark days I've had, that's the last thing I want to do. And he is still there waiting for me. And ready to help me. 

I guess what I mean here is that I know I'm not alone. I know I was given a baby that pukes non-stop so I can help someone else down the road when they experience similar situations. 

We don't go through trials to feel superior to others and have less empathy for them because our trial was harder. We go through trials to help others. I promise that someone in your life will need you, I have always felt this way. And being a mom has heightened that feeling!!! Maybe that's why I blog. Even if only five people ever read this, I hope it helps one person feel a little less alone. Even if you're not a mom.

It makes it a little bit easier to go through a trial knowing it will benefit someone else one day if I am in a space to learn everything I can and do my best. So, I will keep going and do the best I can. Every day I feel a little better about being a mom. 

A little bit at a time I feel like I have more knowledge and experience than the day before. I've learned to live one day at a time since I had RJ. And crap, I needed that more than anything. EVER. 

I look forward to the plethora of things I will learn in the next six months. 

Thanks for reading this! I know it's word vomit and a little random and all over the place. I just ALWAYS want to be REAL. Never fake or fluffy. So, sometimes that makes my posts random instead of well thought out and composed. 

Hash tag mom life

I'm sitting here in the parking lot of Good Earth doing something I'm sure many of you moms have done. You're lying if you haven't.

RJ has been in a super rad mood the last week or two and has been fighting sleep. Most of you know this because I posted it on FB and insta the other day when I lost my $h!t. Anyways, RJ cried all the way from Provo (thanks for the leggings Britta) to the Spanish Fork Good Earth and just before I pulled in he fell asleep. Of course!!! And there's no way in hell I'm moving his car seat and risking him waking up, he NEEDS sleep. So, I'm sitting here in my car in the parking lot, looking like a creeper to others, I'm sure.  

At this point I'll sit here as long as I need to. The other day I sat in my driveway for an hour for this same thing. I don't want this to become a habit for him to fall asleep in his car seat. But, sometimes as a parent you just have to survive a time or two. 

In mid October we decided it was time to train him to fall asleep on his own, without being held or rocked. It took several different methods for us. I read multiple books, blogs and sought advice from several friends. Finally, it boiled down to laying him on our ottoman swaddled up and he eventually put himself to sleep while we just went along with our day. It was bizzare. The cry it out method just wasn't what we ended up needing to do at that point. He trained himself like a champ without us even knowing that was all we needed to do was walk away and let him lie. 

I feel like every mom that I've talked to just says be consistent with whatever you do and he'll figure it out. We have honestly done that. Up until this past week he has taken naps super consistently and been on a time schedule  like a champ. But, somehow things have changed for him. And I just need to be OK with that. If I'm a mental case it won't get us anywhere. 

I feel like so many people say "you will look back on this and miss it." I'm sorry but seriously? That's just ridiculous. Tell me this, have any of you moms with older kids actually missed the CRAPPY times? No. No one misses the crap. Of COURSE I will miss the tiny cuddles and smiles and him learning and discovering so much. But, anyone who misses the crappy days is a lunatic. Even if you have a sassy teenager who talks back, that may make you miss when they couldn't talk. But, you still probably don't miss this part. Am I right? Maybe not. 

I honestly love RJ so much, I have loved watching him grow. He's been a delight aside from some minor sleeping issues right now and his constant puke. I think I'm just intolerant of EVERYTHING because I am sooooooo tired of always catching his puke, and doing a full load of laundry everyday. Between cleaning his three to four outfits, my two or three outfits, burp rags, washcloths, blankets, rugs, bibs and cleaning the car seat - oh, and his bottles... I sort of just want to lay down and have someone rub my feet and give me a high five for making it through one more day. 

Now, I know most of you have more than one baby... So you probably laugh at my issues and say "just wait until you have more than one" etc... But, this is my struggle and trial. It's hard for me. May not be for you. But for me this is my breaking point sometimes. So maybe I'm weak to you. But, I know I am strong and an awesome mom. And I really am doing my best. I just feel like some days this will never end. 

Thank heavens it will. I'm glad parenting comes in phases. Even the hardest of times will never last forever. And I'm grateful for this blog so I can just word vomit all of this and maybe help another mom feel like she's doing the right thing, too. 

I'm grateful the Lord sent RJ to us. At the end of each day I feel good knowing I've given RJ my best. That's all I can do. Oh, and pray A LOT. Seriously. All day.

I'm loving this week.

I need to freeze time. RJ is being such a sweet boy this past week. Yes, he has cried and puked just as much as he normally does. But, he has changed. He's growing and learning so much. He has been so snuggly and lovey. He knows I'm his mom and Chance is his dad. 

He reaches for us now. He wakes up so happy and squeaky. The noises he makes bring me so much joy. I know I can't freeze time so I have been enjoying every single second because who knows, the next post could be about what a terror he has been.

So, for now I just love him. He has opened my heart in ways I didn't know were possible. I've always hated cuddles and touchy feely moments. But, this sweet boy has changed me and reminded me how important it is to show the people we love some affection. 

So I will try better to be that way with those that I love. Mostly because when RJ does that to me I feel so special, and everyone deserves to feel that way. Even if we can all be idiots sometimes. 

Change

I have decided the only thing that is promised when you have a kid is CHANGE. Some days that is what I cling to, knowing this phase will end. Or, that he will grow out of this. And other days I am scared to death of what change is ahead. Nothing will ever be the exact same forever with RJ. He will constantly be changing. 

That's such a wonderful thing, really. But, also terrifying. Before I know it he will be walking and getting into every cupboard, throwing toys at me and learning new words to sass me with. And when I get used to that phase and feel like I have a handle on it, he will change again. 

That's the thing, just when I get a handle on his tactics and schedules it seems like he changes. He grows and learns more. I think it's amazing that I get to watch him learn SO freaking much before my eyes. 

I guess what's really important here is that I learn to accept change. It's important for us all to have change in our lives so we never get comfortable in just one thing. Otherwise, we never grow and learn. We never expand our experiences and find out what the world has out there. 

It's been a serious change for me to be a mom, but had I not moved to Canada and been forced out of my comfort zone like NO other... this would have been SO much harder. So, change really has helped me be a better mom to RJ. So I say we all try to embrace change. Look forward to it. Even if it makes us uncomfortable. Because sometimes being uncomfortable means we are learning. And there's only good that comes from that. 

Advice

I feel like Facebook and Instagram has just become a plethora of unsolicited advice. I don't even want to post on there anymore or read what other people post.

Yes, I'm sick. Yes, I'm grumpy. So that mixture brings out this super pessimistic post. Don't act like you haven't felt this exact same way at one point in time. 

Forgive me but... Unless someone asks a question - why would you give them an answer? 

I know 75% of people just mean well and want to offer advice or things that help them. But, unless someone is ASKING for that, just be supportive or be quiet. Maybe not everyone feels this way. 

I know I've been the one to offer unsolicited advice, so many times. I catch myself doing it so much. I have to just think to myself before I text back or post, did they ask for my help? If not, then just be on their side and supportive. Be a good friend. Or, make them laugh! 

Otherwise, you just sound like an opinionated A-hole. As much as I REALLY try, I get that I come off that way sometimes too. 

Again, we mostly all mean well but, why do we offer so much unsolicited advice!?!?!? Why do so many of us just want to "fix" things instead of just offering support or letting them know they're not alone. 

I can promise you most of the time we all just want to feel like someone else has gone through it or understands even a small portion of what we are going through. 

Stop the word vomit advice!!! 

I pinky swear I will try SO freaking hard to never do that again. And I give you permission to call me out if I do! I need to work on this! And I need to learn to be more patient with people who do this, the struggle is REAL. Ha. It makes me crazy! Yet, I catch myself doing it. 

We are human beings, aren't we? Sheesh. 

But, as mothers I think if we could just have each others back and just be a shoulder to cry on, it would be a little bit better. Maybe? Instead of trying to tell other moms how to do things or force your way on someone else. 

Word.

Heads up that this is going to be a very random word vomit post that is all over the place. 

Ready.... Go!

I posted a picture on my Facebook of an ecard that says "I wish I could sleep like a husband!" And boy is that true. 

It's so funny how moms are constantly thinking about their kids, and what they need. Even when we go out on a date without the baby I am STILL thinking about him. I sort of never really get a break. Must be the mothers intuition. My husband worries less and is a lot more laid back than I am. Most men and women are that way, from my experience. I kind of feel like I got screwed. Ha.

Everyone keeps telling me "enjoy every moment" "this is such a precious time" or "this will go by so fast". 

I'm sorry, I want to slap you when you say that to me my dear friends. I know you mean well, but really. No one wants to hear that. When you're getting vomited on all day long, going through at least three outfits each a day (me and the babe) and are on your last resort for finding the right food to feed my baby because NOTHING else works, I really don't want to hear about how I should be "enjoying every moment". 

Suck it.

I WILL, however, enjoy the good moments. Every single day there are some incredible moments that I hang onto. That's how I survive. That's how RJ survives, ha ha. 

I really don't like how there is a "social pressure/expectation" or whatever... That we all have to tell each other those things. How about we GET REAL. Let's stop writing FB statuses and blogs about how easy it is to be a perfect mom.

Screw that. 

Reading those posts and blogs used to make me feel like I was a failure because my baby didn't do what their baby did. Most first time moms don't know any better than to read blogs and Pinterest pins from other moms and to trust them. Someone is probably doing that with me right now.

Here's the deal though, NO BABY IS THE SAME. So, you just sort of have to be fearless and not care what anyone thinks. You have to not be afraid to try several things until it works for your baby. Even if it's untraditional. Hell, I feed my baby goats milk and the looks I get from moms when they hear that are CLASSIC. 

You just sort of have to OWN how you decide to be a mom. Because you are the only mom for your child, you know your baby. You know your intuition. Don't let anyone take that away from you. 

And there's my two cents. 

Not so funny post...

This past weekend we left RJ with my mom and Gary overnight. This was the first time I have left him overnight. Honestly, I thought it would be hard and that I would miss him so much.

Here's the truth, my marriage is so important. Chance and I have been apart so much from his work travels and stuff that we have needed time together outside of being parents. So, in those moments when I would catch myself thinking about RJ, I would remind myself that not only do Chance and I need this break, but it's so good for RJ to get used to being away from me! 

We both need to be okay apart sometimes. He needs to learn to be okay with other people so he's not always attached to me. So, that motivated me not to miss him as much as I probably could have. Especially because we were at the sand dunes with no cell phone reception unless we drove to the top of the mountain. So, I was forced not to check up! (It also helps that I trust my mom.)

Anyways, now that I am home I have such a sense of urgency to continue to put my marriage first. While my sweet boy is everything to me, I also need to remember that the VERY best thing I can give RJ is a happy home with loving parents. If I divulge into being the best mom and giving 100% of myself to him all day, all Chance gets are my leftovers. And forget about taking care of myself. 

Luckily, Chance is very low maintenance. But, my main point here is that even if it's a date night once a week or month that's even an hour long... It's so important that Chance and I take the time to still date and remember what it's like without the little dude around. 

We may be going to Canada for four days for some Christmas festivities here in a month and leaving RJ with my sister in law. It will be hard to leave him for that long but, we will need a recharge again by then. 

I guess my reason for being so personal about my marriage and finding a balance is that when the days all seem the same and you have postpartum depression - you sort of need something to look forward to. That is so important for me. 

So, I know many of you have dealt with this and I hope you can accept my challenge to put your spouse first. I really believe when we do this that we are able to forgive one another better and bring about a spirit of love in our homes that our kids can learn from. 

I also told myself when I was pregnant that "I don't want the baby to become our life, I want him to join our life." I honestly believe that is possible. 

It's still important to be Leslee, to be Chances wife and just as important to be RJs mama. It's a daily task to find that balance as you know... But if I am putting my efforts anywhere, that's where I want it to be. Giving just enough of myself to those things so I can feel accomplished, and still know who I am. 

Now, here in a few weeks I'll need to read this post. Probably a few times... Just because I feel this way doesn't mean I'm good at applying it. So, here goes!

Grow up, Leslee!

The other day when we were walking through Walmart, RJ had a TOTAL blowout. I felt bad for anyone who walked past me and had to smell it, really. 

And then I think about my friends on SnapChat who I send funny pictures of RJs poop-pushing face. It's too good to keep to myself... 

Then I thought about how I laugh uncontrollably when he farts. He does it in his sleep and I can't even handle it! 

I really am immature. A month ago at the women's general conference meeting RJ farted a ton, I almost had to leave the room because I laughed so hard.

Bottom line, God must have a sense of humor to send us down here with bodily functions like that. So, if that's what makes me laugh and smile on crappy days, pun intended, then so be it!

However, I need to get a hold on that before he's older so he learns some manners. Don't worry, I KNOW.