What happens in India...

I was able to go to New Dehli, India with my mom in May for her work. We attended a women's conference there where my mom received an award for all the incredible work she does for non-profit organizations and the example she is as a successful woman. I'm so proud of her.

I have really learned a lot about myself this year, as I mentioned in my last blog. Going to India really scared the crap out of me. I hate flying over water, I'm terrified of third world countries, I like personal space and I get homesick even when I'm a house away. And well, lets just say what happened in India didn't stay in India. I threw up on the plane ride home, and had stomach troubles for THREE weeks after. And did I lose any weight? NOPE. Ha. But, I learned that I can face my fears and come out stronger. So, chalk that up to one more thing I got to learn this year.

High five.

I also gained some friendships while in India with some remarkable women. Lucky me!

While we were in India, I shared a story with some women about my struggle with PPD. As a result of this, I was then asked to share a part of my post-partum depression story for a book about overcoming your past.

It took me a long time to send her my story. Every time I sat down to write it, I had a breakdown. I wrote a 4 page story the first time, read it out loud and felt like it was too heavy. I then waited a few weeks and wrote it all over again with a different tone. When I read that one out loud it just felt very robotic. More like a motivational speech, if I was a mom going through PPD I would not want a motivational speech. I really struggled finding the right way to share my story and inspire others without being Debbie downer. Also, writing about it brought up so many raw emotions I wasn't sure I wanted to feel again.

After composing four different versions, and about seven mental breakdowns... I sent her the first one I wrote. It surprises me that so many of those emotions are still so raw for me. I have been able to conquer the depth of hell that they call Post Partum Depression, but I will never forget the way it felt.

It's healthy to talk about it, and get it out. That is why I write this blog. I don't write here to get publicity or become a mommy blogger. I really just know that other moms struggle in silence and if you are one of them, and you're reading this... please read my whole blog and know that you are NOT alone. That is what really got through to me, was hearing other mom's stories. For so long I suffered in silence and never told anyone. The very moment I started talking about it is when things started to get better.

I feel selfish when I choose to be quiet about PPD and just let people live their lives. Sometimes it is hard for me to talk about it, so I feel like it's easier not to open up. But, I know I went through that so I could be a support to other moms who deal with this. Once I am able to, I will share the book I am going to be a part of. It is really an amazing project and will be a support to so many people, not just moms who went through PPD. It is a book about every situation in life, for all ages and walks of life. I'm really proud to be a part of it, and honored to have been asked to share my story.

I'm blessed to have friends and family who have never made me feel ashamed for this. I've always felt supported and loved. So, thank you.

Hey guys, I'm back from the depths of hell. I SURVIVED!

So, I've had a lot of things happen in my life since my last blog post. Some of you are more aware of the details. But, I would say last year was by far the worst year of my LIFE. I sort of went into self destruction mode. I still had a lot of things I was holding onto from postpartum depression, and SOOOOOOOOOOO much other crap from my 30+ years on this earth. WOWZA. I boxed myself away from those who I was close to, and put myself in situations that were not safe or smart. I didn't want answers, or solutions. I wanted to just disappear and let it all figure itself out. Hadn't I been through enough in my life for a hall pass?! I felt very entitled to my pain, and really resented some people in my life because of it.

Then there came a day when I really hit the floor. That was MY version of the depths of hell. Where I realized I could lose EVERYTHING I had worked so hard for, the things I loved the most. I knew I could not keep going the way I was. Especially building up the giant walls around my heart. My son, husband and all of you guys deserve more of me than that. I'm freaking awesome, and I shouldn't hide away because of my stupid negative thoughts or fears.

Anyways, I am not sure exactly what happened to cause me to wake up and realize that it was time to take myself on and GROW. But, I am so glad I did. Mostly because my husband took the first steps and made some incredible improvements in his life. It really inspired me to see his happiness, and clear view on who he is and why he's here. I wanted that SO bad.

I felt like I really used to know who I was, and wasn't ashamed of it. I was proud to be the outgoing, loud, fun, silly person. I knew the influence I had on others, and loved touching lives. But, somehow along the way, I started to believe the people who told me I was too happy and positive get to my head.

I felt like they were making fun of me for being confident, clear, dedicated and outward. Like I should be inward, quiet, chill, non-emotional and not bother others. So, I sort of slowly became exactly that. I let my light die. Literally, die. There was hardly any light left, maybe embers. That lead to a stupid habit of people pleasing. Before I knew it, I was no longer the lighthearted Leslee I used to be. I didn't feel like I could make a difference in the world. I felt very small and useless. Who cares if I make mistakes, no one is watching anyways. I felt a lot of shame and self doubt. Pretty pathetic. But, don't feel bad for me. That is not what I'm expecting here.

I decided to take myself on and go to some life coaching type courses. This really lead to some incredible shifts in my life. If you want to hear more about that, call me! It changed my life, I let go of all the CRAP I was holding onto. My walls are coming down, and I finally recognize the triggers I have so I can handle them better when they come up for me. I know who I am, I know what  my purpose in this life is. And I create miracles every single day!

One day at a time, I am focusing on the things I can shift. And learning to let go of the things I do not get to shift, it is not in my hands.

One year ago I was taking a double prescription of anti-depressants and over 4 anti anxiety pills a day. Today, you guys,  I take ZERO. I was not cured, no magical powers healed me.

I HEALED ME. I faced my demons, faced my games, my lies, my masks. I faced the things I've done to hurt those I love, including myself. I faced my childhood drama, the things others have said that hurt me, and so much more. I chose to do that. ME. I realized I put a lot of the "hard stuff" I was facing, on myself. I all but created my trials by being so negative and so worry prone.

I am strong, much stronger than I have led myself to believe these last few years. I won't let my experiences take that away from me again. My marriage is healed, my relationship with my sweet son is SO much healthier than it was. Overall, I just know that I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to hang onto the crap that I was holding onto for SO long. It really is just that simple. I was just super SUPER complicating it.

I'm not afraid to speak up, to hug a stranger, to give eye contact. To share my gifts and talents with others, to provide service, to show up and follow through. I'm no longer afraid to be true to who I am. Even if it annoys you, or makes you crazy.

I have connected with Heavenly Father on a level I have never thought was possible. I'm so grateful I was able to wake up and see myself for who I really am. The adversary does not want us to see ourselves in our magnificence. He wants us to be shameful, afraid, shy, fearing, lack confidence, push others away and not connect. That is not the way to live life my friends!

I am here to promise you that you can count on me from here on out to be the best Leslee I KNOW that I am. I will never settle for less again. Ever. Most of the time that is easy to say when you have a bunch of "happy" experiences. Well, I haven't had those for a very long time. So, this comes from a sincere and honest place. This post comes from my heart. Which is finally accessible, and alive.

Life is to be ENJOYED not just endured, people! So, if you have a problem with my happy manner, my spontaneous dancing, joking around, encouragement, love and honesty... then you better check yo self. Ha Ha. I love you all!

SMILE at a stranger today. We all deserve a connection and even just a moment of peace. Cheesy cheese CHEESE. Freakin' deal with it.

-Leslee Lundgren

I think I'm okay, thanks.

Well, I haven't really made this super public knowledge. But, I feel pretty strong tonight that I need to blog about it. I have had a lot of feelings the last two weeks and need to share them. Maybe so someone can reach out to me and help me feel a little more normal. Or perhaps, so someone can feel less alone in their struggle. 

I've been told by doctors since my First Lady exam that I will likely struggle having children. So, subconsciously I've never really allowed myself to become "baby hungry". Also, I never really did enjoy babysitting while I was growing up. I hated pets. Couldn't keep a plant alive, let alone a beta fish. So, honestly it took enough effort growing up just to take care of myself and worry about my mom. I was a major worry wort. Having a baby HEIGHTENED that. Holy hell, did it ever. Puke. Ah. 

Anyways, I guess I am saying that I never really have had a dream of a big family because I sort of knew it wouldn't happen. So, I've learned to enjoy my nieces and nephews, and my friends children. I soak in every moment I can. And I also try to become the "cool and fun" aunt. Duh. I had such a traumatic experience during childbirth with RJ that I honestly need therapy for PTSD. Sounds stupid but, I mean it. I have triggers that set off these insane anxiety attacks that no medication or meditation and oil can chill out. I've been working on it with my doctor and fellow naturalistic friends for 9 months now. One day at a time, I will get the hang of it. I need to do some sort of emotional release. Maybe I'll burn something that symbolizes the experience? I don't know. Maybe several things, over the next several years. All I know is, I will never stop trying. 

Seeing so many of my friends announce pregnancies and childbirth over the holidays was so awesome! I'm so happy for you all. It doesn't make me uncomfortable at all, we each have a plan from Heavenly Father - I do not doubt his plan for us. I know I have plenty of work to do on this earth that does not involve pregnancies and adopting a child. It has everything to do with raising RJ up in a home that's is based upon love, forgiveness, acceptance, HARD WORK, and self confidence. Also, I believe this world needs something I have to offer. That I couldn't give otherwise. I believe HF has a plan for Chance, RJ and me. Something special. And if we do our part, that will ring true. 

I said goodbye to my Uterus and Fallopian tubes two weeks ago. I feel healthier today than I have in a year. 

The people who I have come across that find out about it have been well, funny. Expecting me to be traumatized, and offer lots of sympathies. I would probably do the same to another random woman. But, you guys, spare me. I promise I'm okay. It's sad, I am sad. But just momentarily. I do not doubt Heavenly Fathers plan. Mourning too long would mean I doubt him. I have faith. We will be blessed in so many other ways. It could always be worse. Much worse. So, really, I am OKAY! I have lots of work to do, with my family. I won't let it stop me! 

Moving forward, my "story of me" won't be based upon no longer being able to have kids. I can't focus on that. It won't fix things, it won't change it. It just won't. 

Anyways, I guess having a somewhat major surgery this month has reminded me of what is important. And it's not about introducing yourself to people as someone with problems, victimize yourself. I think it's about helping THEM find their strength by your example. And listening to them and learning from their example! Which sometimes requires being brave and sharing your story. There's a balance there.

 And I'm blabbering away because I've been "taking it easy" for three weeks. Leslee doesn't do that very well. 🙋🏻

I guess I just want to type my word vomit so one day RJ or his wife can see this. And know that I loved my boy with all that I have. And man, does his daddy love him. I've never seen Chance love that way. It melts my heart. He is a true man. Just what I wanted growing up. 

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, some that would/could ruin everything I have worked so hard for. Maybe because I'm afraid to have the life I have always wanted. So I throw a trench in the way. Either way, I'm glad I have RJ and Chance on my side to grab my arm before I fly off the cliff. Oh, and the few friends I confide in during those times. I will never forget those of you who have never judged me, and been there. And know my truth, and trust me with yours. You know who you are and I love you, like woah.  

Me, me, me, me. This was all about me. But, maybe it will help you relate. And feel less alone or sad. Or whatever. Hey, maybe you'll just read this and think I'm a blab fest and need a nap. 

Yup, you're right. I do. Don't we all?

PS- I dare you not to smile. 

I love my kid! Who am I?

Wow, guys. It happened. I finally realized I've bonded with the little human that used to puke on me all day.

One year ago, I was trying to get settled into our new house in Utah. We had been back from Canada for just over a month. Reggie was almost 4 months old. I was EXHAUSTED with him puking up every single freaking ounce of milk he drank. EVERY TIME. I hated being a mom. HATED IT. I felt like my whole life I've been lied to about motherhood. Honestly, I felt like ya'll either fake it really well, or I was just a dark tortured soul. Because I hated every minute of my life. Only to find out five months later I had post-partum depression. (See a few posts back for more on that).

Crazy how things have changed over the last year. I actually love when RJ wakes up, I love hearing his cute little voice. I love LOVE LOVE how he boogies around when I jam to music while doing my hair straight. I love how he runs around the house flapping his arms up and down speaking his own language. I love how he gets into the bottom cupboard we left empty for him to play in. I love how he chills like a gangster in his little tikes car while he watches Sesame Street. I love how he farts SO loud that it makes us question who actually did it. I love that he pulls on my legs when he wants to go to bed and read a book. I love that he can entertain himself. I love that Chance does 50% of the work. He is so supportive and helpful as a father to RJ. I am blessed for that.

I NEVER thought I would have a list even half that long of things I liked about being a mom you guys. In fact, some days I still get into a funk and hate it. But, it's not really motherhood I have the issue with. It is adulthood. I was babysitting my friend Stacy's #thatredheadfriend kids the other night, and her son wanted to play Star Wars. I was tired and just wanted to play easy games where I didn't have to chase the kid around the whole house for two hours. Well, that is exactly what we ended up doing and I actually remembered that I had an imagination. I used to be that kid who wanted to play imaginary games and escape to a different world and conquer things. Being an adult has kind of taken that away from me. I guess I've just allowed it to happen.

I figure that when you get married, have kids and a full time job - that means you have to be serious and have your shit together. But, I really just don't think that is how it should be. NOT one piece of that sound like the life LESLEE wanted to live when I pictured my life as a little girl. So, that night as I played Star Wars with Boston for two hours straight, I learned to love him so much more than ever and I'm grateful he helped me come out of my "adult" zone and just have freaking fun. What is there to lose? Yes, I can be serious and professional at work. But, why not just LET GO and relax and enjoy my life when the time is right? What is so bad about that? I'm so uptight. And get to wound up in worrying about every stupid thing falling into place and everyone being happy. I just need to relax.

If RJ has taught me one thing, it is that I don't have very much control in my life. I can't really choose how things go down. Circumstances change, people move on, life keeps going with or without you. Then only thing I really can control is my attitude about it all. So, I promise you all -  I will dedicate my thoughts to being more relaxed. Not worrying so much about things, and just letting life happen and creating FREAKING fun, awesome memories with my little family. Because RJ will be the only child I will have with this body of mine. We hope to adopt someday, but for now - we want to just have fun and be REAL. It is so liberating to be honest, real and just who you are around everyone.

Anyways, being a mom is hard. It's damn hard. But, I love RJ so much. I love Chance so much. I fail every single day, sometimes I fall pretty hard on my face and all but ruin my life. But, they are both still there to catch me. And I guess, that is just awesome. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. Or however that is said.

Lets just all chill out, not take things too serious and focus on what matters in that VERY moment. Not try to worry so much about tomorrow. Can you help me do that, please?

The first year of motherhood. How it really went down!

I'll be honest, I didn't think I would survive one year of being a mom. Here are some honest blurbs about the first 12 months of his life. I am so grateful for my husband. I would not have made it this far without his help. I'm lucky to have a spouse who does so much for RJ and me. The list starts off so sad and negative, but it is so refreshing to look back and see how much growth has come from the trials of motherhood. It ain't pretty, but man is it SO WORTH it. I have grown into a person I never thought I could be. I've learned to love and appreciate my husband more than I ever did before. And, as hard as it is to put my trust in the Lord, I am always glad I did.

Reggie's life
Month ONE - I remember thinking to myself "what did I just sign up for?!" Anxiety MANIA.
Month TWO - I was overwhelmed with anxiety, wanted to chop my boobs off and stop this baby from puking every ounce of his food all over.
Month THREE - I cried every single day. I wanted to figure out why he was puking so much, and I wanted SO BAD to move back to Utah.
Month FOUR - We finally moved back to Utah. I finally came to terms with not breastfeeding anymore. I stopped caring that other people made me feel bad about that. My life had a light at the end of the tunnel.
Month FIVE - My baby was still a PUKE machine. 3% weight, not growing at all. I was so worried for the kid. I still had no idea what I was doing. And I hadn't really "bonded" with RJ yet. I was beginning to wonder when that would happen.
Month SIX - I came to terms with the puke machine. I learned to wrap myself in blankets if I had a cute outfit on, I packed several outfits for myself and RJ everywhere we went. I was not going to let it stop me! RJ was gaining a little bit more weight, in the 14% this time!
Month SEVEN -  BEST month ever. I bonded with RJ. He slept through the night, 10 hours. He laughed. He looked at us like he knew who we were. He STOPPED PUKING!!!!!!! And was in the 25% for weight.
Month EIGHT - My sweet boy became my buddy. I finally got help for post-partum depression. Chance and I looked forward to making fun memories with him, and he kept growing and never puked.
Month NINE - Still no teeth. Ear infection mania. Croup. And lots of days missing work because he was sick. Quite frustrating compared to month seven. Starting to figure out that these kid-thingys don't really stick to anything for too long. Which can be a good and bad thing.
Month TEN - EAR TUBES! Best invention ever. More croup, though. But, who cares! The kid was ear infection free, and has been since. Also, weighing in at the 45%! BOO-YAH. Crawling, and pulling himself up all the time.
Month ELEVEN - Still no teeth. WTH? More fevers, and colds. Poor kid got sick a lot this spring. But, he was still happy as ever and all over the place. I felt like I was finally getting the hang of this "mom" stuff. I had bonded with RJ, and Chance. I felt like for the first time in my life I actually became the person I always knew I was. I have conquered so many fears, learned so many TOUGH lessons, and started to appreciate the little things in my life that I took for granted so many times over.
Month TWELVE - TEETH. Man, I love this kid. He is so much fun. He is into everything, makes a mess, laughs a LOT, and makes us feel so special. I can't wait to watch him grow up into a little man. He is a constant reminder of chance, and the importance of showing love and affection. I love my sweet, sweet boy!!! Being a mom, it's so much better than it was before. It is still SO hard, but I fell so much stronger with the support I have and the faith I have gained. I will be okay. I can do this.

<3

I write this for all of you new moms. If you have felt any of these feelings, DON'T feel bad. It is normal. It is OKAY. You will make it. You can do this. IF I ever have any other babies, I will need to read this to remind me to SURVIVE the first few months. And not judge motherhood by those times.

I have some awesome friends who are moms, and they make me feel so much better about life when I vent to them. It saves me so many days. I can text them in my crazy moments of anger or frustration and they tell me they went through it, too. I LOVE that part of being a mom. I love that I have a group of incredible women surrounding me and supporting me. I hope I can do the same for them.

Word to ya mother.

It's been a while. On purpose, I swear.

So, I've written this post about three times and never published it. This is my fourth attempt. I may never even publish this one. Who knows! I guess if you're reading this, then I did. Ha.

I really have so much I could say about this topic. And I am more than happy to talk with ANY of you about it in a more private setting. Because I understand the feeling of wanting to be private about this. However, I have felt for a very long time now that I can maybe help someone else if I am open about my situation and feelings. So, I make this not-so-very-private blog post about something very personal to me.

When I was pregnant I was warned about postpartum depression. The day I had the baby, they had a social worker stop by the hospital room and give me several pamphlets about PPD because I had a VERY small history of depression (I'll explain in a bit). Then, the NAZI breastfeeding nurses that came to my house a few times the first week at home even shoved some PPD info down my throat.

Really, I just sat and laughed at them. Thinking.... really guys? Wow, is this that serious that you have to be so heavy about it? Holy crap. Give me a break. I will be just fine. I just had a baby, everyone I see talks about how much they LOVE their new baby more than they could ever imagine and how it's worth it. So, lay off of me ladies! I'll be JUST FINE...

First let me tell you that my dad had a mental illness that he was on medication for. He had several surgeries and was taking medications for the pain as well. This ultimately resulted in his suicide before the age of 30. Then when I was 17, my very close friend committed suicide. This brought me into a weird funk where I slept all day and was pretty sad about my life. Looking back now, I wasn't even really depressed. I was just a typical teenager who was lost and had made a few choices that weren't very smart that led to unhappiness. My family doctor put me on several different anti-depressants trying to help me actually wake up every day. All of them made me feel like a robot. I hated them. I eventually made some lifestyle changes, went to some college and felt like I was of some worth to the world. MANY of the people who are reading this were very crucial friends whom I met along that way and led me back to sanity. I'm so grateful.

About a week after I had RJ is when things started to get crazy. I blamed most of it on "baby hormones" and the fact that I had a baby who literally puked every single ounce of milk all over me all-freaking-day. All I wanted to do was fix it, make it stop. I couldn't. I was realizing that motherhood meant I have no control really on the outcome of MANY things in my life now. OY OY OY OY OY.

I had the worst anxiety I thought I could ever possibly feel. Every night. I had RJ sleep in his bassinet beside my bed and I would literally hold my hand on his chest all night to feel him breathing. I drove my husband insane, I'm sure. Even typing about this makes me get a rash on my chest from the anxiousness it brings.

Then one night, when RJ was about one month old - I went in and gave him to Chance. I went in the other room with the lights off and cried harder than I probably ever have. I said to myself "what the hell did I just get myself into?" I didn't want to be a mom anymore. It was just too much. Too much responsibility, too many emotions and WAY too much love that I just didn't even know what to do with. How was I going to do this? I was so confused and felt like an absolute disaster. I've never felt so out of control in my life.

I then told myself that "as soon as we moved back to the states and home to Utah, where my family is... that everything would feel better." I even had a few friends send me inspired messages without even knowing what I was really going through. Those small moments kept me hanging on.

Sadly, after we moved back it just seemed to keep getting worse. I would try and do things that used to make me feel happy inside and they just didn't work. Like the sand dunes, camping, shopping, lunch dates with girlfriends, time with my mom, dates with Chance. Nothing worked. I still felt totally empty and out of control. I had Priesthood blessings, prayed ALLLLL DAY LONG. I even had enormous amounts of faith that there was a reason I was dealing with these weird feelings I didn't understand. All the while, NONE of my friends knew I was struggling with this as bad as it was.

I felt like I was strong enough to just make the mental choice to FIGHT this. So one day in September I decided that I would wake up every day and get ready. Even if it meant changing into different pajamas... that I would change my clothes! Brush my hair, put make up on.. do something to feel like I am doing something for myself. Still, nothing helped.

When I look back at my first 7 months of motherhood, I don't think of good memories. I think of the times I would be driving down the road and think to myself "I would be totally okay with it, if that diesel truck just ran into me."

I never felt like I was worth anything. I didn't feel like I was doing special "work" or the most important job, or whatever everyone tells you motherhood is supposed to be like. I felt like I was invisible and had ZERO control over anything in my life. I had become so negative about everything and never wanted to see any of my friends. I felt like this whole parenting this was just a  LIE.

Those feelings listed about just now... THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!!

I am usually a very positive person, you know this. I LOVE my friends. And every person is important and has great value and worth. I have always known that. And never doubted the trials the Lord hands me. I have always had great faith knowing that when I receive a trial, it is because I am supposed to learn all that I can and then help others. Because we all need to understand each other a little more, and have empathy. I believe that is why we have these trials. So we can better understand each others feelings. AS cheesy as that sounds.

It finally hit me a few months ago that I was not myself, and that it wasn't okay to feel this way. I had given it a very honest effort of doing this on my own. I was prideful and did not want to open up to my friends and reach out, let alone my family. I did now want to become the sad case... I don't want sympathy. I just want to be happy. I don't want to sulk, I want to rejoice. I have been feeling so lost. I almost don't even remember who I used to be. Now I just feel like a washed up ungrateful SOB.

I say that because SO many of my remarkable friends would give anything just to have a healthy baby under their care. So, I am sure many of them are laughing at me.

Throughout most of this process over the last 10 months, I have never really taken PPD seriously. Until I was getting my hair done and another mom there mentioned something about PPD that sparked me. It was the day after I said a very sincere prayer asking for someone to help me. Someone to give me an answer for what I need to do to shake this. Because clearly whatever I had been doing, wasn't working. I told this other hairdresser/mom that I was in such a dark place that I didn't even care if I died, now , I would never commit suicide but if I got in an accident I would not care. (Without the baby in the car, duh.) and she all but cried with me. She asked me if I had seen a doctor about it, and I had not. Maybe it was pride, or the fact that I hated antidepressants. Also, I don't usually take any prescriptions. I did my post-c-section without any pain meds. I didn't want to have to take a pill to feel something or get addicted to it. But, she told me about her similar experience and begged me to at least go talk to my doctor.

I AM SO GLAD I listened to that familiar stranger at the salon. I went to my doctor, was able to find a very low dose medication that removed the bad. I now feel normal again, in fact, I feel like the LESLEE I was when Chance and I were dating. I feel alive again. Not stimulated, no robot feeling, just Leslee. I feel like I can win at life again. I feel like I want to create fun memories with my family again. And I remember the dark cloud to be a bit farther away. There is NO SHAME in asking or help. and accepting it.

My dear friends, I know many of you struggle with depression or anxiety. Whether related to babies, marriage or just life in general. This stuff is REAL. Please do not let your pride get in the way of the help you need. Do not be afraid to reach out and talk to your trusted friends. They will help you. Pray for special guidance and have unwavering faith that the Lord will guide someone to you with answers. Do your best, he will never leave you alone.

The main lesson I have learned throughout all of this, and why I even made it through to type this today.... is because I was able to recognize early on, that any of those sad, anxious, angry, outrageous feelings and thoughts I was feeling - are not from our Heavenly Father. Nope, they're just NOT. He would not want us to feel any of those feelings. In fact, he's there to help relieve them and remove them.

Once I was able to see that it was not feelings from my Father in Heaven, I felt like I had a little more control over it. It was in my hands to just have faith, and press forward. No matter how hard it may be.

Please know this - if you are reading this - you are important to me. I need my close friends more than I ever have before. I have plenty of amazing friends, and I am so grateful. I want to be there for you like you have been for me.

I hope you all know that if you are struggling with anxiety, depression, loss, mental illness, postpartum depression or anything of that sort, please know that you can talk to me. I will never judge you, I will never force my opinion on you. I will just listen and be here for you!

NO ONE deserves to feel even an ounce of what I've been feeling for the last 10 months. Please get help if you need it, don't be prideful. Take care of yourself, you can't be a wounded healer.

I am here for you. Forever.

Leslee Lundgren

Winning at life today

So, I realize this is me doing two posts in one day. BUT - I am on one today.

I remember being pregnant and telling people how bad my "pregnancy brain" was.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

And then there came MOM BRAIN.

Mom brain is real my friends. And OH so much worse than pregnancy brain. I sort of feel like this...

If you haven't seen this movie - google the scene. You won't regret it. Or click here...

I feel like a LUNATIC. I'm preaching to the choir here. Most of you either feel this way, feel worse that this or know what it's like. I'm amazed I remembered to put deodorant on BOTH pits today.

I had an OB appointment today to get an IUD and of course - didn't take the time to shave my legs because well, it's winter. And what happens? The hot medical student doctor gets to come to my appointment. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Good thing I'm married, but don't act like you wouldn't be freakin' about that, too.

THEN, last night as I was driving home I caught myself falling asleep two times. I still managed to end up at my relief society activity (high five) and partially fell asleep during the prayer. I'm sort of a zombie. There have been days I don't even remember what I did.

I sometimes get out of the shower and realize I still have conditioner in my hair.
I sometimes get out of the shower and realize I only shaved one arm pit.
I sometimes lotion one leg and walk away.
I sometimes/ALWAYS make plans and forget about them an hour later. (sorry everyone)
I sometimes realize the other moms who post about how productive they are sometimes need to GET REAL
I sometimes feel like high five-ing myself for NEVER staying in my pajamas all day. I make sure I get dressed no matter what.
I sometimes text Jessica Tuttle and tell her happy Tuesday on a Wednesday. (oops)
I sometimes have days where I feel like I am winning at life, and today wasn't one of them.

I used to have my $h!t together. Then I had a baby. Now my brain is fried, and who knows where. I'm all over the place, and sleep deprived. And I have a GOOD sleeper. I just sleep like crap and waking up at 5:30 every day - even with a nap - is NOT something I was born to do.

Then this happened.....

YUP - that is pee all over the blanket and ottoman. Oh, and it got all over me too. I thought we were past this stage. He hasn't done that since he was a newborn. PS - how about Tucker watching the pee come out? BWAH. 

I guess I just feel extra RAD today. We all have those mom-brain moments, if you're a mama. I'm glad my fellow mom friends don't judge me when I have these days. 

High fives to us all. Moms or not, as a lady we have LOTS going through our minds. So, I appreciate every little thing that gets accomplished each day because of how rad my brain is.